Into Ashes All My Lust
by Momoiro Usagi
Summary: The grave's a fine and quiet place. But none, I think, do there embrace. Haru realizes he has feelings for Momiji, but will he keep them bottled inside until it is too late? Shounen ai. MomijixHaru. Some HatorixAyame. COMPLETED!
1. Sunny Disposition

Hallo everyone! This is a revised chapter! (I made a few grammatical errors with my German, but thankfully one of my readers corrected me. he he.) I'm so surprised at the popularity of this story! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. This is based on a beautiful poem I read in British Literature class. (Aren't all my stories based on poems or songs?) And it is a pairing of my two favorite characters, and because it is so sweet I have to be careful and "tread lightly" to make this a really good story! I hope you enjoy!

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* * *

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_**But at my back I always hear**_

_**Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near:**_

_**And yonder all before us lie**_

_**Deserts of vast eternity.**_

_**Thy beauty shall no more be found,**_

_**Nor in the marble vault shall sound**_

_**My echoing songs; then worms shall try**_

_**That long-preserved virginity.**_

_**And your great honor turn to dust,**_

_**And into ashes all my lust:**_

_**The grave's a fine and private place,**_

_**But none, I think, do there embrace.**_

_-From "To His Coy Mistress" _

_by Andrew Marvell_

"_Guten Morgen _Haru-kun! _Stehst du auf_!" a cheerful voice shattered Hatsuharu's sleep, forcing him to open bleary eyes and examine his surroundings. At the far end of his bed, another boy bounced impatiently, his tussled tresses jumping up and down over his eyes. "It's time to go to school!"

Hatsuharu had to smile, despite the drowsiness dancing through his head, at Momiji's eagerness. "Well, you certainly look ready," his eyes scanned his cousin's uniform and neatly laid-out notebooks. "Are you hoping to meet girls or something?"

"Aren't you excited Haru-kun? We're finally going to a real school!" The teasing did not seem to register with Momiji, for he continued to banter without pause. "Tohru-kun will be there! _Meine beste Freundin_! And Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun too. We'll finally make real friends, Haru-kun. We'll be just like everybody else."

Swinging his legs off his bed and pulling his weary body to a standing position, Hatsuharu flashed a small smirk. 'Hatori-san was right. I will have to watch out for him, won't I?' He regained his composure and mustered a serious face. "Remember Momiji-kun, don't start thinking you are too normal and forget about the curse. If you get on one of your hyper fits and accidently bump into a girl, it could be disastrous for all the Sohmas. They would never allow us off family property again."

A pout crossed Momiji's lips at being reprimanded, and he continued in a slightly calmer voice, "I know, I know." But a sunny grin soon regained control as he handed his cousin a freshly-washed uniform. "It's just going to be so fun! I can't worry about the curse right now. What will people think of us? Will they like us? Will the teachers all be nice? Remember what Ayame-san told us last night at dinner? High school was the best thing in his whole life. And he was so popular. Will we be like that? I hope so!"

The other boy's head pounded with the exuberant interrogation. But he could not bare to tell his cousin to be quiet, even if his sleepy mind was begging him to do so. Momiji's sunny disposition was warming, and his forgiving nature and strength over difficulties was inspiring. Hatsuharu fully knew that, behind golden locks and innocent eyes, there lay a very mature fifteen year old who had faced much suffering at a young age and still found the courage to laugh. The rabbit's sincere joy was a trophy of his triumph over the past, and seeing him reminded Hatsuharu that the curse did not predetermine his own doom. So instead he basked in the warmth of Momiji's voice as he dressed for school.

"I hear you caused quite a uproar when you decided to get a preview of the school, at the culture fest," Hatsuharu mused. "You've already seen it. I don't see what you are so curious about."

Dropping his boxer shorts to the floor and pulling on the clothes, Hatsuharu turned his body away from the other boy, hoping that Momiji would take the hint and shift his gaze elsewhere. But embarrassment failed to reach the small rabbit, and he continued to smile at Hatsuharu's back without taking notice of the nakedness. 'Is he really that naive?' Haru thought inquisitively. 'I don't even remember when I was as unaware as he is. I guess that's part of his sweet charm. It's just strange. He's been through so much and yet he's kept a childlike love for others.'

"Come on Haru-kun! We need to go. _Wir sind spät dran_!" Momiji urged him, playfully pacing from one corner of the disheveled room to the other. "We can't be late on the very first day. I can't wait to see everybody!"

The other boy laughed. "When can you ever wait?" He pulled a crystal pendant around his neck and slicked his fingers through his shiny white locks, before grabbing his bag from the floor and scanning the room for any forgotten item. 'My room? Or our room?' Haru shook his head, bewildered, as he remembered how Momiji had crawled into his bed every night since they came to live at Hatori's house together. The ritual had been happening for a few weeks: Every night the smaller boy would go into his own room, and about an hour later he would slip into the other bed and wrap his arms around Hatsuharu, his eyes brimming with warm love as he attached himself to the other cursed Sohma. Hatsuharu's own emotions swirled in turmoil every time he felt those small hands against his chest. 'Momiji may be blissfully innocent, but I'm not! I don't think he realizes how he makes me feel when he's so close to me. I almost feel dirty thinking about it.' He chuckled aloud. 'Well, almost!'

"What's so funny, Haru-kun?" the higher voice broke his daze.

Hatsuharu shrugged. "Nothing," he replied cooly. "Now," he picked up Momiji's backpack and threw it over the rabbit's shoulders, "who wants to go to school?" He allowed himself to be pulled into the hallway and toward the door by the bouncy rabbit, but glancing back, his thoughts returned to the nighttime. 'Once again, I can't bare to tell him this needs to end. Especially when I hear him whimpering for his mother in his sleep and know that I am the only comfort he has. And,' he felt a hot rush creeping through his veins as he watched the bobbing blonde head in front of him, 'do I really want his visits in my room to stop?' He shook head. 'Wow, it's not like I'm a virgin or anything. But why does being around Momiji make me feel like a girl with a one-sided crush?'

* * *

"Tohru!" Momiji cheered in a sing-song voice, dashing down the hall toward two taller figures. They had already seen their friend at new student orientation, but this did not impede the small boy's excitement.

The red-head beside her whipped around, a look of horror in his eyes. "Are you RETARDED!" Kyo screeched, storming at the other Sohma boys. "That's the GIRLS uniform, Momiji!"

Hatsuharu took note of his companion's uniform for the first time that morning. Alternative clothing choices had never been a big issue with Hatsuharu, and he saw no problem with people expressing their personality through unusual outfits. He flashed Kyo a scolding stare.

"But, but, this one looked better on me," Momiji's eyes started to water as he smoothed his hand over the sailor blouse.

"I think he looks cute!" Tohru interjected, smiling brightly in Momiji's direction.

"Momiji, what are you wearing?" A calmer figure approached them from behind Kyo.

Hatsuharu's eyes shot toward his other cousin. "Yuki-kun," he reached for him flirtatiously. "You found the strength to escape from the mob of little girls, just because you wanted to see me?" Yuki's violet eyes blanched, but it was not apparent if the source of his disgust was his new following of girls or Hatsuharu's suggestive remarks. But Haru did not have time to ponder this question.

"Momiji Sohma! Have you no dignity?"An obnoxious call broke the silence. A clod of people stormed at them, the student council president at their head. "The faculty may turn a blind eye, but I can't let this go. A girl's uniform?" His eyes narrowed as he faced Haru. "And you, what is that hair color? You know that dyed hair is specifically against the school code."

"This is my natural color," Haru replied calmly, lifting his eyebrows as if to challenge any response.

"Lies! How can you expect me to believe that when your roots are black?" The president demanded. Behind him, the other student council members nodded in agreement, as mechanical as a machine.

"It's true," Yuki added, growing impatient with the whole situation. "His hair's always been that way."

The President dropped the argument briefly, instead turning his attack back on Momiji. "But you! Don't you think they designed different uniforms for guys for a reason? You should be ashamed!"

Hatsuharu felt a heat creep over his skin, so unlike the enticing warmth that had raced through his body when he thought of Momiji earlier that morning, when he saw tears in his small friend's eyes. This was a fire, violent and cruel, burning at his heart. "Who are you to tell people what they should wear?" His eyes cast a penetrating stare at the other student. "It looks better on him! In a few years he will get bigger, and then he can wear the boy's uniform." He turned to the girls in the challenging crowd. "What if Yuki wore the girl's uniform, would you stop him?"

Outrage crossed Yuki's pretty features. "Haru-"

"Sorry Yuki-kun," he whispered, caressing the other boy's shoulder. "I had to say it, for effect."

His voice shot up once more, anger bubbling as he stared at the president. "It looks good on Momiji!" He looked to where the point of controversy stood and suppressed an uncharacteristic giggle as he noted the oblivious expression on the rabbit's face. He had already turned his own conversation with Tohru away from the topic of uniforms, and did not seem to care what was being said about him by the other students. Eyes sparkling with happiness, Momiji's smile flashed in the stark hallway. 'He looks good that way,' Haru's heart jumped at his own thoughts.

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #1 revised!**

"_Guten Morgen_, Haru-kun! _Stehst du auf_!"- "Good morning Haru-kun! Are you awake!" (I had to resubmit this after a German reader told me that I remembered wrong what my German host mother used to say to me every morning! How embarrassing!)

"_Meine beste Freundin_"- "My best friend"

"_Wir sind spät dran_!" - "We are late!"


	2. What Have I Become?

well, I never thought I would finish chapter 2 so soon. I'm really enjoying writing this story! Es macht Spass! (as Momiji would say!) But, sorry all you diehard Momiji fans (like me!), this chapter focuses more on interaction between Hatsuharu and Yuki. I had to get that little impediment out of the way. But Momiji will return again next chapter as happy and bouncy as ever:)

* * *

"Yuki-kun," Hatsuharu whispered, though his knocking fist muffled the sound. "Yuki? Yuki? Can I come in?"

Two violet eyes appeared through a crack in the other boy's door, and, although hesitant, Yuki finally pulled back and gestured for his cousin to step inside. Despite the polite smile plastered across his features, sullen purple orbs told of the true state of the rat's emotions. "Thank you Hatsuharu," his cool greeting ebbed with just a hint of graciousness. "Hatori-san told me that you were the one who sent him to retrieve my brother. Thank you."

"It was no problem," the other boy flashed a kind smile in response. "Really, I understand. With all the events this week," Hatsuharu trailed off, mentally reprimanding himself for the reference to Akito's unexpected visit a few days earlier, "well, I could see that it wasn't the best time for Ayame's 'brotherly bonding'."

Yuki broke his pretense, letting his head drop in a mournful nod that told of all his pent-up frustrations. "I just couldn't deal with him. It was horrible. Why does he think that he can just ignore me my whole life and suddenly start acting like we've been best friends all along? He doesn't realize that the walls he put between us cannot be torn down. I don't have a brother. I never have."

"I know you're hurting," Hatsuharu advanced warily, letting a single finger brush at Yuki's silver locks. "And you shouldn't have to face this now. But maybe you've misunderstood him-"

"I hate him," Yuki jerked back, turning his head from the other boy's stare. "That's all I need to understand."

"Listen, Yuki. He is being sincere. He feels sorry for what he did as a child and truly wants your forgiveness. I told Hatori to make him leave because I could see that he was coming off the wrong way to you. But at least he's trying. He's told me some things-"

"So, you've been talking to him?" Yuki interjected, both suspicious and curious. He pulled his shoulders upright and regained his reserved demeanor. "I don't know how you can even stand to be near him."

Hatsuharu smiled as he thought of the vivid man, "Look, Ayame may be a little flamboyant at times, and he really needs to learn that he's not at the center of the universe. But he isn't so bad. I think you may be judging him a little too quickly."

"Well," Yuki muttered, sinking down on his bed. "I guess he wouldn't bother someone like you."

"What do you mean by that?" Eyes widening in surprise, Hatsuharu thought to take a seat beside him, but decided against it. Instead he leaned against the far wall, folding his arms to hide the awkwardness he felt.

"I think you know what I mean," Yuki probed cooly. "Don't you think I am a little embarrassed to have a brother like that? I feel ill when I see him prancing around the house, hanging all over Shigure and Hatori like a love-struck schoolgirl, and realize that he is my closest relative. I have a gay brother. And to make matters worse, he flirts with everyone so openly." He sighed, exasperated. "I was so ashamed when Tohru met him. The only time I feel as uneasy as when I have to face him," Yuki's eyes narrowed intently, "Is when I am with you."

Hatsuharu's heart dropped, but he managed to pull his lips into a nervous smile. "You don't really mean that, Yuki. You're hurting. I know that. You're frustrated with Akito and with this curse, and you're looking for someone to blame." The white-haired boy took a careful step forward, his hands looking for a desperate reassurance as they brushed against Yuki's cheeks. "But I believe deep down you really love me, Yuki-kun."

"Why do you always say things like that when you know they aren't true?" The other boy responded persistently. "You have the sense to save me from my brother's obnoxious chatter, but then you make humiliating comments about me right in front of everyone else. You have been a friend to me, but that is all. The more you pressure me to return your twisted feelings, the more I want to withdraw from you completely."

Haru felt a swelling in his chest, but he willed the sorrow to digress from his eyes after the initial impact. 'So, it really is true, isn't it? Yuki is disgusted and ashamed of me. I just wish he could comprehend how he brought meaning into my life. He was the first person to see me as more than just the stupid ox. But now I'm nothing more to him than the stupid queer.' He winced as the realization hit him. "Yuki, don't you remember how it felt when we first met? You filled a void in my life, caring for me when no one else would. That first night we spent talking and sharing our hidden fears, well, that was the first time I felt alive. You were my first love."

"Please don't say that," Yuki retorted immediately. "We comforted each other and I am thankful for that. But gratitude isn't the same as love. I'm not like you, Haru, and you can't make me share your disgusting urges." He whipped his hair out of his eyes."I can't take this right now. If you have something to say, say it now. If not, leave. Your unwelcome visit is turning out to be worse than Ayame's."

Hatsuharu cast one last look of longing in Yuki's direction, before turning back to the door. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you." His words came halted and uneasy. "I hope you get feeling better."

"Good-bye," Yuki's replied, his frozen tone a complete contrast to the sea of vibrant emotions swirling inside the other boy.

* * *

Hatsuharu waited until he was out of Shigure's house and pacing along the lamp-lit sidewalk before he let the swarm of pain overtake him. Hiding his tears in the shadows, he felt a burst in his heart that left nothing but disappointment and shame in its wake. 'I guess the way I feel must be unnatural if I make Yuki so disquieted. I'm just being as stupid as ever, thinking that someone like him would return my feelings. But I wanted to show him how much I respect him.'

A cool wind whispered up the lonely figure's back, and Haru's thoughts immediately jumped to the warmth of Momiji's body. The way he snuggled and squirmed against his larger friend. The softness of his little breaths. The love and generous acceptance that radiated from his embrace. 'This is sick, isn't it Yuki?' The boy imagined a fiery interrogation of his silver-haired cousin. 'I really am repulsive, aren't I? I can't keep my mind out of the gutter every time someone offers me any measure of bodily contact. Here I am, fantasizing about a tiny bundle of energy too naive to realize the effect he has on my wretched mind. He can't even fathom what I'm thinking right now. These are my twisted urges, aren't they? This is what made you so ashamed of me, isn't it, Yuki?'

Collapsing onto the street, Haru felt the gravel stab at him through his flimsy pants. He wrung his hands, gazing ahead but not really seeing anything except blurs of light and color. His head raced as he examined his impulses, but in the nighttime chill, he rendered himself unable to push away dreams of the rabbit's sunny smile. Even though Yuki had deserted him, for some reason he did not feel so alone with Momiji's sweet eyes captured forever in his memory. Once again, the small boy's joy became a sense of hope, even if it also stood as a tempting bane in Hatsuharu's mind. 'Even if it is for my disgusting purposes, I need him. He gives me strength, even if he brings unintentional stress along with it. But, this time I won't ruin everything like the stupid ox I am.Just as I never should have shown Yuki the happiness he brought into my life, perhaps it is best that Momiji never knows the way his heedless actions make me feel. I must keep my shameful tendencies in my own mind if I really do love him. Even if it is hard, I must not corrupt him too.'

Hatsuharu stood up with a new resolve, and was able to continue his walk in relative silence, focusing instead on the rhythm of his feet against the cement. With every step, he sensed the desire for his warm bed and Momiji's carefree laughter, and this gave him peace. Finding the Sohma property at last, he shuffled into Hatori's house and passed his smaller cousin's blacked room. 'Is he already asleep in his own bed?' Disappointment swelled in the cow's mind.

Dreams of late night comfort dulling, he sank under the rustled blankets without even changing his clothes. Instantly slipping into a kind of purposeless trance, he did not notice his door opening until two little feet scurried up into his bed and a bodybounced against his stiffened form.

"You're finally home Haru-kun!" Momiji's voice echoed, as bright as ever, in the darkness.


	3. Teach me how to love

Hallo everyone! Chapter 3 is finally done (and by finally I mean took me two days and much deliberation to complete. ;) ) Get ready for some fluff! Yay! And some Momiji cuteness. :) Also implied Hatori and Ayame pairing, though that will come out stronger in Chapter 4. (I can't wait to write more about Ayame. He is so funny!) Anyway, enjoy and review, bitte schön? And this time I will put the German words in italics,butI'll stillinclude a mini-German lesson at the end.

* * *

"You're finally home, Haru-kun," Momiji's voice echoed, as bright as ever, in the darkness.

Despite a sudden racing in Hatsuharu's veins, he forced his body to relax so he could accommodate the smaller form. "Sorry, Momiji-kun," he sighed as he reached his unsure fingers to the rabbit's tresses. "I had to talk to Yuki-kun about some things. But I'm glad I'm home."

"Really!" Momiji's chocolate eyes sparkled with delight. "That's good! Tonight I was at _Vati_'s work playing with Tohru-kun, so you played with Yuki-kun so he didn't get lonely either!"

"No," the other boy's voice quivered, renewed pain stabbing at his heart. "Not exactly, Momiji-kun."

Intuitively sensing his companion's depression, the rabbit soothed his hands across Haru's back, his lips smiling against the larger boy's neck as he pulled closer. "Are you OK, Haru-kun?"

The cow bit his lip, shifting his legs in discomfort as his cousin's whisper tickled his skin. 'Oh God, what is he doing? Doesn't he know what he's making me think?' His thought disappeared in the turmoil of his mind. 'How can he touch me like that and feel absolutely nothing?' Internally cursing his involuntary responses, Haru's voice grew falsely reassuring. "Yes, everything is OK. It's getting really late," the larger boy jumped as Momiji's fingertips crept sweetly up his face. Stuttering, he continued, "Maybe you should, well, aren't you getting tired?"

"Your cheeks are all sticky!" The smaller boy quipped, pulling aback with a startled intake of breath. "Haru-kun, were you crying?"

Shaking his head, Haru turned away from his friend's concerned stare. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it," mumbling, he masked his depression in the darkness. "It isn't your problem." He fingered the wrinkled blankets, hoping the other boy would drop the subject. 'Dammit, it isn't your problem, Momiji! You've suffered so much but somehow still have your sunny smile. I can't drop my clouds on your shoulders as well,' he mentally reprimanded the caring rabbit. 'I need you to be happy for me.'

"_Nein_! _Es ist mein Problem_!" Momiji insisted, sneaking his tiny arms around the other boy's waist, tugging and begging Hatsuharu to face him. "I want to help you! I don't want you to be sad, Haru-kun," his voice pleaded, sounding even more childlike than usual. "It makes me cry when you're unhappy."

Giving in slightly at the sadness in the other boy's voice, Haru shifted to embrace Momiji once more. "Don't cry for me," he brushed the salty droplets from the blonde's lashes. "I'm not worth it."

"You love Yuki, don't you, Haru-kun?" Momiji questioned, dropping his voice. He exhibited no sign of unease, despite being entwined in the other boy's arms.

Hatsuharu, however, froze in surprise. 'Doesn't that bother him? He asks like it is completely normal.' Choosing his words carefully, he began in a hushed voice. "I think I used to, but now," he opened himself to Momiji, placing steady hands on the other boy's back, "now I'm not so sure."

Understanding seemed to spark sympathy in the other boy, and he caressed Haru's white locks with a trembling finger. "I know," he leaned his head at the crook of his companion's neck. "I know how it feels when you love someone so much, but when you try to tell the person, it only makes her more upset." He sighed, forcing a cheery tone. "_Meine Mutti_. Well, you know how she felt about me. I cared for her so much, and all I wanted to do was make her love me."

"But I couldn't," he gazed at the larger boy in the darkness, his eyes sparkling with emotion. "She cringed whenever I tried to tell her about my feelings. Yuki wouldn't listen to you when you told him that you loved him, right? He didn't even want to look at you. He might have called you names that really hurt." His heart pounded against Haru's chest, and he hid his tears under the blanket's folds. "She used to scream at night. When I was alone in my room, I could hear her wailing to _Vati_. She used to say that she hated me, and that I should be dead, though I was too young to know what she meant." His voice broke, but he quickly recovered. "But I could understand her when she called me a monster, and I knew I didn't want to be the type of boy that made his _Mutti_ cry. I just wanted to change for her. I wanted to be a different little boy, so she would be happy."

A lump swelled in Haru's throat, and he could not restrain his hands as they pulled Momiji dangerously close to his body. "You're not a monster, Momiji. I don't know how anyone could think that."

"I was just so different to her," he corrected, feeling a warmth rise up inside of him at the thought of the beautiful German woman. "_Mutti_ isn't a bad person at all. _Vati_ loves her very much, and when I see Momo clinging to her skirt I know she is a good mother. I still love her. I will love her forever." Momiji's voice brightened, his words full of sincerity. "You never stop loving a person, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to leave them behind. When I really love someone, I just want them to be happy. I think that is the best way to tell them how you feel, even if it means not getting your way. Yuki knows you love him when you let him be happy."

Momiji snuggled against Hatsuharu, enjoying the comforting caresses that prompted him to continue. "I talked to Tohru-kun about _Mutti_ tonight, and I told her that no matter how much pain I feel, I want to remember everything that happens to me. Every moment is special. Even though I can't be with _Mutti_, I can hold her in my mind. No one can take her from me. And knowing that she's happy right now because I was able to let go of her shows me how much I really do love her." He whispered softly, hoping to comfort his cousin. "No matter what happens, you'll always have wonderful memories of Yuki, and when you see his happiness, you'll know that you helped him."

Hatsuharu nodded slightly, fingers dancing over Momiji's back. "You're amazing, Momiji-kun. You've been through so much. You are brave to keep smiling and laughing. Thank you for helping me, though I don't know why you would want to." He grinned weakly, realizing that the painful weight ripping at his heart had vanished. The little voice was like a medicine, healing his emotional wounds and filling him with a certain softness. "But now you really need to go to sleep. Hatori-san won't be very happy if I keep you awake all night and you feel sick in the morning."

"OK, Haru-kun!" He agreed brightly, his voice bursting through the silence.

"Shhh," the other boy pressed his finger to Momiji's lips. "Don't wake up the whole house," he laughed quietly. "Though I think Ayame-san is with Hari-san tonight, so they're probably too worn out to wake up."

Momiji giggled, though it was not apparent whether he really understood what was funny or not. "Good night, Haru-kun."

"Good night, Momiji," he replied, cuddling the smaller body close to his heart. "And thanks. You really helped me feel better."

"I'm glad I made you happy!" The smaller boy grinned broadly, lifting his headuntil it was level with Hatsuharu's face. "_Ich_ _liebe dich_!" he jumped forward, planting a quick kiss on Haru's startled lips.

Heat crept over the cow's surprised features, and his nerves tingled at the brief contact. '_Ich liebe dich_,' the words trickled through his scattered mind. 'He loves me?' Lost in the feeling of the kiss, he stared unseeingly into the darkness.

However, Momiji's continued whispers shattered his happy daze. "_Ich liebe dich_, _mein Bruder_."

'_Mein Bruder_?' Hatsuharu felt a tug at his chest. 'Of course that's all I am to him. A brother. Someone to hold him and comfort him when he is scared at night. The family he never really had. It's selfish of me to hope for anything more. Momiji doesn't think like I do,' he traced circles down the other boy's spine, considering the tiny breaths against his ear. 'His mind isn't twisted like mine. He loves because he wants the whole world to be happy. But I only want to please myself. I'm ill, aren't I?'

Rubbing his cheek against the rabbit's wavy hair, he sighed desperately. 'Would he let me be this close to him if he realized what the slightest contact between us does to my body? How can I risk our beautiful friendship like this? This disgusting lust!' Momiji's heartbeat sent soothing vibrations through his chest, but in that comforting embrace his thoughts raced. 'If only he knew that I am the real monster.'

* * *

_Vati_- father

_Bruder_- brother

_Mutti_- mother (but you all knew that, right? ;) )

_Mein_- my

_Nein_- no

_Es ist mein Problem_- It is my problem!

Tschüss until next time:)


	4. The Sohma King of Romance

It's been nearly a week since my last update! I can't believe it. :( he he! But now it's finally here! Thank you to my loyal readers for all the reviews. I get so happy when they appear in my email. :) This chapter is definitely more comical than everything written so far, because it has Ayame, and with him, how can it not be funny? I hope eveyone enjoys Chapter 4!

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* * *

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_"Ich liebe dich," Electricity danced over Haru's lips, tingling at the point of contact. Heart racing, he extended his hands over Momiji's back, marveling at the softness. He felt a heat race up his face as he looked at the tousled blonde head. "Ich liebe dich, Momiji-kun."_

"MO-MI-JI!" A call shattered Haru's pleasant dream, forcing his eyes to open suddenly. Ayame's silky yells continued. "MOMIJI-KUN? WHERE ARE YOU HIDING?"From somewhere down the hall, the sound of a door bursting open echoed in response. "MY LITTLE BUNNY-KUN? ARE YOU AWAKE?"

Delicate steps pattered toward the other boy's bedroom, and before Hatsuharu had a chance to rouse Momiji, the door swung open, flooding the room with illumination.

"Are you playing in-" Ayame froze and gaped, his body forming a silhouette in the doorway. "Oh!" He declared knowingly. "OH!"

Sitting up, Haru noted the two boys' compromising position. Between rumpled sheets and awry clothing, the two figures held each other gently, appearing like lovers who had become very well acquainted throughout the night. "Ayame," Haru stopped him, half-arguing and half-pleading.

"_Guten Morgen _Ayame!" Momiji asked cheerfully, fully awakened by the commotion. He seemed oblivious to the questioning glances being passed between his two cousins. "Did you want to talk to me about something?"

"Um, yes," Ayame stifled a giggle, fighting to regain some of his composure. "Your father's here to visit with you. He's right outside-"

"_Vati_?" Leaping to his feet and dashing passed the silver-haired man, Momiji disappeared down the hall in a whirl of pink bunny pajamas. "_Guten Morgen, Vati! Sind Sie da?"_

"Don't say anything," Hatsuharu warned as soon as the smaller boy was out of earshot. Sliding out from under the blankets, he deliberately readjusted his clothing. "You know it wasn't what it looked like."

"Haru-kun," Ayame ignored the comment, winking flirtatiously, "I never knew." With that, he turned away grandly and started toward the kitchen, a smile twitching at his lips.

The cow grimaced at the spring in Ayame's steps, knowing that the events of the morning would soon be exposed to the entire Sohma family. 'Shit! Why did it have to be Ayame?' Haru sighed, trying to soothe his uneasiness. He pulled on a fresh black turtleneck and his favorite leather pants, mentally preparing an explanation to counter the snake's gossip. 'It's bad enough that I have to live knowing how disgusting I am. Now I'll have to hear it from my cousins as well.' His heart twisted as he went after the older man. 'Just, please don't tell Yuki. Oh God, not Yuki! But coming from Ayame, Yuki might not listen.' He insisted hopefully.

Haru needed to take but a few steps toward the kitchen before the snake's narrative became audible.

"And then I opened the door," the man swished his wrist dramatically. "And you won't believe what I saw, Hatori! There, on his bed, I saw the two boys caught in a passionate embrace, the blankets tossed aside in their breathless play. Hatsuharu held Momiji so close that their cheeks brushed when they spoke, and on both of their faces, I saw an expression of pure adoration. You should have been there, Hatori!"

A much softer voice responded, sounding almost stoic in contrast with his emotional companion. "Yes, I am very jealous." Hatori's answer was, if anything, falsely curious, but more likely, subtly indifferent. "Eat your breakfast before it gets cold."

Arriving at the doorway, Haru watched as Ayame jumped to the ground and took a spirited bite of rice. "Hutowi!" He exclaimed through cheeks stuffed with half-chewed food. Swallowing, he continued. "Isn't it sweet? Haru and Momiji. Two wayward boys, alone in the world, finding each other in your house! Isn't it exciting!"

"Yes," Hatori forced a polite smile, swiftly turning his attention back to the medical report in his hands. "Very exciting."

Ayame did not pick up on Hatori's monotone response. "Can you imagine the lust? The entrancement of two young lovers coming together for the first time?" He spun his arms around to illustrate the magnitude of his statements. "And poor Haru, he tried to cover up what he did last night. He probably thought he should protect the little bunny rabbit. But Momiji seemed so enchanted with his new friend. He didn't even care that I saw them! But we all know what they did, right Hatori? I mean, remember our first time. Remember how you pulled me into your bed, your eyes brimming with hope as you planted sweet kisses all over my body. Imagine Haru doing that to Momiji! And then he climbed on top of him, just like you did with me, and-"

"Shh!" Hatsuharu interjected, finally alerting the two men of his presence. "If you don't quiet your voice, his father will hear you." As silence fell over the kitchen, Momiji's chatter wafted through the open window.

"Aww!" Ayame cooed, leaping at the white-haired boy. "Are you concerned for your little lover? How thoroughly romantic! But wouldn't it be best if we could get daddy's blessing? Let's just go and ask him-"

"There's nothing to ask him about," Haru reminded him. "I already told you that nothing like that happened. He comes in my room every night to sleep in my bed, but that is all." His explanation was soft but firm.

"But you want him, don't you," Ayame did not wait for a response, instead turning his attention back to the doctor. "It's written all over his face, isn't it, Hatori?" Reaching a hand to Haru's shoulder, he gave the boy an understanding squeeze. "You poor thing. He can't even begin to see the way you feel, and you're stuck with unrequited love. What a tragic hero you've become! He comes to you, wanting to be friends, when you're looking for so much more. How do you deal with it?"

Hatsuharu winced at the man's accuracy, but maintained a cool demeanor. "I survive."

"Ayame," Hatori scolded him from his seat on the floor. "Leave him alone."

"But Ha'ri-kun," Ayame whined, sitting down in resignation. "I'm just trying to help him. See. He won't deny that he likes Momiji. I figured it out, didn't I?" His voice brimmed with pride. "I know just how to fix this problem. I am the Sohma king of romance!" Tossing his silver locks over his shoulder, he flashed a dazzling grin. "Please let me help, Hatori!"

The seahorse shrugged. "You need to ask him first."

Haru looked away, not really knowing if he should feel angry at the older Sohma's antics, or simply laugh. Not wanting to dampen Ayame's joyous mood, he mumbled his response. "Sure, why not?"

"See, Hatori!" The snake was positively giddy, floating from one end of the room to the other. "He's going to let me get them together. Oh, it will be so cute! And it will all be because of me. Soon they'll be acting just like us, Ha'ri-kun. They'll be seizing kisses and cradling each other with so much warmth and passion. They'll be up all night, enjoying the closeness of their bodies and dreaming of some romantic rendevous, just like we did last night."

Hatori gave the younger boy a sort of embarrassed half-smile. "I hope you realize that he's exaggerating all of this." He explained, trying to bring some sense into the conversation.

"Doesn't he always?" The cow responded with a snicker.

Ayame disregarded the teasing. Snatching Haru's hand, he gave the younger boy an urging tug. "Come on, Haru-kun! We're going to my shop. I have some things there that will really ease your romantic dilemma. I designed them all myself." He released his grip on the white-haired companion to clap his hands together boyishly. "I can't wait to show you!" Glancing behind them, the snake caught a glimpse of a disengaged Hatori. Tiptoing back toward the doctor, he swooped down and planted a kiss on his stunned lips. "Have a beautiful day, Ha'ri! I'll see you tonight?"

The doctor nodded. "Do you need a ride to work?"

"No, no," Ayame playfully dismissed him. "It's warm today. We can walk. Come on Haru, time to go!"

The younger boy hurried to keep up with Ayame's gleeful strides, walking through the front door and down the steps where Momiji entertained his father. Hatsuharu watched as the rabbit smiled and giggled, constantly filling the air with frivolous anecdotes and bouncing with happiness. In contrast, his father shifted uneasily, the look on his face making it evident to Haru that he really didn't know how to treat his son. 'What kind of father is that?' Haru plastered a falsely-polite smile across his lips when he passed the older man. 'He really did choose his wife over his son, didn't he? And now he thinks he can come visit once a week and somehow mend all the pain in Momiji's heart with an hour of conversation. How could he let her forget his only son?'

"_Vati_! This is Haru. The one I always tell you about. He's in my class at school and he plays with me all the time," Momiji smiled. "I know you'll really like him!"

"Pleased to meet you," the older Sohma nodded cordially.

Haru acknowledged him quickly, and then brought his focus back to the smaller blonde boy. "Momiji-kun, I'm going to work with Aaya-san today, but I'll be home before dinner."

"OK Haru-kun!" The rabbit's chocolate eyes lit up. "Have a good time!"

"Thank you," Haru avoided Ayame's twinkling stare as he rejoined the snake. Looking back, he felt a sense of guilt well up inside of him. 'Momiji really is oblivious, isn't he? Then why am I permitting Ayame to help me take away that innocence? This is wrong,' Dread crept over him as he finally saw the store appear ahead of them. 'This is wrong.'

* * *

Momiji's German lesson #3 :) 

_Guten Morgen_- good morning

_Sind Sie da_?- Are you there?

The rest you should know by now.

...next chapter...AYAME'S SHOP! he he!


	5. If It Could Be Simple

Chapter 5 is here so soon! Yay! Ich fühle mich froh:) Well, have fun with this chapter because the next one is going to be just about the opposite: dark, angsty, and entirely sad.:( Sorry about that! Well, enjoy and review!

* * *

"Hurry, Haru-kun," Ayame's voice was bursting with excitement and pride as he held open the glass door. His eyes glittering like a child surveying a candy shop, he gave his younger cousin one more pull to lead him inside.

'He acts like he's never been here before,' The cow mused to himself, his eyes flashing from one garish shelf to the next. Taking in the disarray of gaudy fabrics and suspicious looking packages, he sighed. 'Maybe I should be the one with the nervous jitters.'

"Hello Ayame-san!" A girl greeted, her two wide eyes appearing from behind a bolt of purple silk. With a bright smile, her gaze locked on Hatsuharu. "Who's your guest today? One of your brother's friends again?"

"Oh, good morning, Mine-san!" The older man squealed. "We're really going to have a lovely day." His exhilarating mood bubbled over at the sight of his friend. "This is my little cousin, Hatsuharu-san, and he needs our help with a romance problem. See, he's passionately and madly entranced by my other cousin, Momiji, but our sweet Momiji-kun is far too innocent to notice. He actually climbs in bed with poor Haru, and this whole time Haru is fighting the powerful feelings of lust like the valiant warrior he is."

Biting his lip, Haru looked away to hide his frustration at Ayame's openness. He was spilling all that the younger boy guarded deeply in his heart to a woman Hatsuharu had never even met. 'But I can't do anything to stop Ayame when he gets an idea in his head,' The white-haired boy reminded himself. 'Well, from what I've heard about this shop,' he remembered Yuki's disgusted rants after his first and only visit, 'she's probably heard worse.'

"Well, then," Mine clasped her hands together in a move Haru had seen Ayame perform more than once that day. "Why don't we give this little Momiji-kun a wake-up call? When he sees how beautifully one of our outfits suits you, he'll be thinking dirtier than you are." She winked, nearly skipping toward a dressing room. "Come on. I'll find you something nice!"

Hatsuharu's feet, however, remained planted in front of the door, his eyes flying from one piece of textile to another, wincing at dreams of those cloths wrapped around his body. He forced a polite grin. "I'm not really sure I want him thinking dirty thoughts about me," he contested truthfully. 'And even if I did,' he mentally added, 'I can't imagine what type of outfit it would take to corrupt Momiji.'

"What about this?" The animated clerk darted into a corner and returned with a wad of black-and-white clothing. "This one matches your hair nicely. Let's try it on!" Stretching out her arm, she revealed a tiny miniskirt and jacket made entirely from a cow-spotted fur. "What do you think, Ayame-san? You like it, right? Isn't it wonderful?"

Haru choked back a gasp, not knowing whether it was the tiny skirt or the cow-print he found more appalling. 'How ironic is that?' The ox fought the urge to laugh in spite of the uncomfortable situation, his eyes avoiding his cousin.

"Oh, dear Mine-san," Ayame replied, his voice dripping with charm. "You really know how to find a dress perfectly suited to the man," He flashed Haru a knowing smile. "But I think you're rushing him, and we wouldn't want that, now would we, my darling Mine?"

The younger boy rolled his eyes at the dramatics, however grateful he was to Ayame for steering the girl away from the cow dress. Thinking about how many times the snake had rushed family members into situations they were not ready for, it was difficult for Hatsuharu to add an affirmative nod to his last statement. "Yes," He tried to silence the amusement in his reply. "Hey, Aaya-san, maybe I should just go and we can talk about this tonight at home?" He failed to conceal his hopefulness.

"Nonsense! Nonsense!" The silver-haired man reached for him once more, bringing him further into the cramped space. "But perhaps we should go to the back room and discuss this alone. I know you're so shy and I don't want to overpower you out here in the rush."

'I've never thought of myself as shy,' Haru wondered at Ayame's words, taking a few wary steps forward. 'But maybe he's right. Is that my problem?' Watching his cousin flounce across the room, his every move begging for attention, the cow smirked. 'Or maybe I'm just more sensible.'

Mine responded in disappointment, "So you want me to stay out here, Ayame-san?"

"Of course, sweet Mine," He attempted to brighten the mood with his endless cheer. "Who could possibly help the customers better than you?" His arms flew around the empty room. "When we start filling up, who will be better than you to fit them with exactly the right ingredients for romance? I have taught you well, Mine-san." He could not help but add a self-serving compliment, even when he was trying to appease someone else. "Now, Haru-kun," He mustered the closest thing to a businesslike tone that he was capable of. "If you'll just come with me back here, we can talk about your little dilemma."

Pacing passed the shelves and into an enclave at the back of the store, Hatsuharu found a relaxed room with a sofa and curious bookshelves. 'I guess I'll soon find out what type of romance Ayame keeps hidden here.' The younger boy's thoughts danced with images of Momiji. The blonde had always been so intrigued by the idea of this store without really understanding its purpose. The Sohmas rarely visited Ayame's place of employment, yet it had remained a point of gossip for as long as Haru could remember. He never gave it much consideration himself, but Momiji was fascinated and always exploding with questions. And Ayame would always reply with vague responses and promises to take Momiji for a visit as soon as he got older. 'Funny that I get to come here before him when he was the only one that really wanted to see it.'

"Please, Haru-kun," Ayame gestured to the stoic figure. "Sit down, relax. I wouldn't want you to think me inhospitable."

Sinking onto the rose furniture, he forced an uncertain smile and a cool demeanor. "So, what type of mischief do you have planned for me?" He attempted to mask his nervousness.

"Oh, I'm so glad you asked!" The slightest hint of interest from Hatsuharu sparked a fire under Ayame, sending him springing around the sofa with a showy smile plastered across his face. "I have so many ideas. It is really important that you get together with Momiji-kun. You are one of my very favorite cousins and I just want you to be happy. Everyone deserves a little passion in their lives," he sounded as if he was delivering a sales pitch, "guilt free. Little bunny-kun just needs to open his eyes, and we can't wait forever for him to do it. But you have me for that, dear cousin! I will find the perfect formula to cure your heartache."

He paused, finally catching a breath between his chattering words. "Hmm," pressing a finger to his lip, his brows furrowed in thought. "I think I may have just the thing to get us started. You wait right there, Haru-kun."

The cow had little opportunity to reply before his silver-haired cousin dashed from the room. Moaning in resignation, he fingered the posh sofa, his mind swirling with questions as to what Ayame could have planned for him. 'Well, it has to be better than the cow dress. The only response that would get from Momiji would be a question about why I wanted to look like a girl.' He chuckled softly. 'I like Ayame, but I don't think he really knows how I feel about this.'

"HARU-KUN?" A singsong call splintered Haru's anticipation as Ayame came thundering back into the room. "I found just what I was looking for!" He clutched a hanger in his slender fingers, and on it hung a German-style dress complete with a frilly blouse, a laced vest, and a tiny bell skirt. "Just dress our little bunny rabbit in this, give him a stein of beer, and tell him it's time for _Bettzimmerfest_!"

The white-haired boy's eyes popped open, and his stomach clenched as he realized that Ayame could concoct outfits worse than the cow-print dress. "Ayame, that's disgusting." He explained simply. "I don't want to make him into a _Biergarten_ whore." Shivering at an image of Momiji revealing so much of his legs, Haru fought his own reaction in revolt. "You know Momiji doesn't act like that," He clarified firmly, both to his cousin and to his own body.

"But isn't that the point, Haru-kun?" He smiled suggestively. "Don't you want to get him acting like that?"

Haru looked away to hide his irritation, not wanting to disappoint his cousin too severely. "Look. I'm sorry Ayame. I just don't think you understand how I feel about Momiji. I don't want to do anything to hurt him. I feel like a monster for lusting after someone as naive as he is, and I would rather die than take advantage of him. I want to protect him, not act out on my own fantasies. He is too good to be robbed by my horrific notions of love. He loves me so purely, and all I can think of when he kisses me is how the contact makes me feel. I'll carry my longings to my grave if that's what it takes for me to preserve his sweet nature."

"That's so noble!" Ayame interjected dreamily, his surprise showing that he had never entertained such thoughts in his life. "But you'll drive yourself crazy, Haru-kun, and I don't want that. You may just find that he feels exactly the same as you do." He wagged his finger at the younger boy, his eyes glittering. "You need to stop thinking of Momiji as a child."

"How can I think of him as anything_ but_ a child?" He questioned, his voice flat. "He certainly looks like one, and he acts like one, too. That's why I can't live with myself when I start to touch him."

"But does he have the heart of a child?" The snake added, his voice rising with emotion. "You know that he doesn't, Haru. I don't think your feelings are disturbed at all. They are natural. Completely natural! You love him, and you want to show it. That's human nature."

A smile twitched at Hatsuharu's lips. "Of course you would think so."

"Of course I _know_ so," Ayame remained oblivious to the sarcasm. "I am a very experienced adult, my dear Haru." He took a seat beside the cow, stretching one arm around his younger companion's shoulders. "Do you think Hatori and I entered into our passionate love affair without any prodding? No! It took much work and skill on my part to unite us. I want you to have the same happiness that I've found." His voice turned silky. "Please let me help you."

Then, without any assurance from the other boy, Ayame leapt to his feet. "I know! I have a perfect idea! A note!" He jumped over to a bookshelf, his fingers itching with glee. "You can write him a note explaining how you feel. That way you can think out your invitation without feeling pressured by your little lover's presence. It's wonderfully safe!"

Haru was shocked by his own compliance to the plan. "Sure." He shrugged.

The response delighted the silver-haired man, and he started to rustle through the pages. "Yes, it is a beautiful idea, isn't it? I have everything here to help you. We keep romantic stationary and love poems catalogued away for those special situations." Piling a few of the leather-bound volumes next to Hatsuharu, he took a seat on the floor, a calligraphy pen poised excitedly in his hand. "Just find something you like in here, and I will copy it down."

Haru forced away embarrassment as he scanned page after page of gold-embossed sonnets, each one distinctly sappy and not at all fitting to his personality. The letters swirling across the page reminded him of his own churning emotions, but for a long time that was the only similarity he could find. However, suddenly a line caught his attention, and he stopped.

Facing Ayame with an intense stare, he began to read, "_And your great honor turned to dust, and into ashes all my lust. The grave's a fine and quiet place, but none, I think, do there embrace._" His words were laced with interest. "That's how I feel."

"Oh, our dear Haru, forever the romantic," Ayame teased boldly. "I admit this isn't exactly what I had in mind, but if you really must choose something cold and cheerless, I guess I can't deny you that option." He sighed, the pen scratching over the pink paper. "But you know, I don't think this poem means what you think it does. Oh well! Don't blame me when this doesn't win him over." Finishing, he twirled a finger through his shiny locks. "Tell me you will sign it at least?"

"No," he approached the vivid man, his hand outstretched. "But thank you, Ayame. I think I'm going to head home now."

"Oh yes," The snake's girlish giggle returned. "I wouldn't want to keep you from little bunny-kun for too long, now would I? That would be tragic!" Springing to his feet, he danced back toward the door. "Just remember that if you decide this little chivalry act has gone too far, you can get the sparks of real romance from me!"

The cow nodded half-heartedly, looking at the folded paper in the cup of his palm. "Yes, I'll remember, Aaya-san."

* * *

"_On va au parc aprés l'ecole_?" The teacher scanned the room, her eyes honing in on the students that seemed to be paying the least amount of attention to her lesson. "Hatsuharu, _s'il vous plaît?_" 

"Um," Haru mumbled, his mind trying to focus on something besides his desire for school to end. In front of him, Momiji swung his legs in impatience, jiggling both of their desks in perfect rhythm. 'Why's he so anxious? It was his idea to take this class anyway.' Smiling at the thought, he let out an audible whisper. "Hey, Momiji-kun, what did she say?"

"Haru-kun!" The rabbit reprimanded, his voice full of laughter. "You really need to listen or you'll get us both into trouble."

"_Excusez-moi_!" Tapping her foot, she listened to the exchange between the Sohma boys with a venomous glare. "How many times do I have to tell you how important it is to take this class seriously? I won't keep passing you if you put forth no effort in class. Do I make myself clear?"

He delivered a sheepish grin, "_Oui_?" Suddenly, Momiji slid a scrap of paper scrawled with French writing into Haru's hand. Reading it aloud, he continued proudly. "_Oui_. _J'adore le parc. Allons-y_!"

Shaking her head in resignation, she watched the rabbit. "Don't think I didn't see that." Turning back to the chalkboard, she copied down Haru's uncertain response. "And Momiji, how many times do I have to tell you that there is to be no eating in class."

"_Tut mir leid, Lehrerin_!" Snatching up the half-eaten candy from his desk and stuffing it into a side pocket in his backpack, the small boy's fingers lingered before withdrawing a slip of pink paper.

'Oh shit!' Haru's heart skipped as he instantly recognized the note. After hiding it away among Momiji's school supplies Saturday night, he had nearly forgotten about the whole experience by Monday morning. Staring helplessly, he watched as the rabbit's face displayed curiosity and then shock as he scanned the fluid script.

Momiji's chocolate eyes widened, and he flipped the note over to scrawl a question across the back. He paused once more before pushing it between Haru's clammy fingers.

The cow's veins trembled as he glanced over the writing, his stomach contracting in his chest. "_Haru, I just found this in my bag and I don't know where it came from. What do you think it means?"_

Finding it unnecessary to read over the poem once more, Haru quickly produced a response. Sweat swelled on his forehead, but he found some relief knowing that Momiji had no suspicions about the note's source. "_I think it means that someone loves you, but doesn't think it is a good thing to tell you how they feel_."

Clasping the slip in his soft fingers, Momiji bounced in his seat and soon added a response. "_Someone loves me? Wirklich? Who do you think it is? Do you have any ideas? That's so exciting! But if they love me, why can't they just tell me? It will make me happy."_

The white-haired boy shivered at the reply, suppressing the urge to crumple the letter and toss it in the trash can, forgetting that any of this had ever happened. 'If only things could be that simple, Momiji.'

* * *

Momiji's German (And French) lesson #4

_Bettzimmerfest_- a play on words from _Oktoberfest_ Literally "bedroom party"

_Biergarten_- bar or "beer garden"

_Tut mir leid_- I'm sorry

_Lehrerin_- female teacher

_Wirklich_- really?

and the French... yep, I had to stick them in some class so I figured it should be a fun one. But do japanese people study French?

_On va au parc aprés l'ecole?_- Let's go to the park after school.

_Oui_- yes

_Excusez-moi_- excuse me!

_J'adore le parc_- I love the park.

_Allons-y_- let's go


	6. Control

OK, everyone...here it is...a chapter I didn't even plan for and kind of made up on the spot. ;) I thought the change in mood between Chapter 5 and what I originally planned to be Chapter 6 (the new Chapter 7) was too drastic and therefore not very convincing. Well, I hope everone enjoys this chapter that I just kind of shoved into the story. Thank you so much for all the reviews!

* * *

"_Stirb_! _Stirb_!" Momiji squealed, swinging the video game controller above his head. "Die! Die, Haru-kun!" Bouncing playfully, he stared in delight as his character brandished an ax at the onscreen opponent. While Momiji dug grubby fingers into a bowl of cheese puffs, he concluded the cousins' battle with a swish of the analog stick, causing his fierce warrior to pump his fist in victory. "Isn't this a fun game?"

"Yeah," Haru agreed in a much calmer tone. Although his smiled seemed reaffirming, his thoughts were elsewhere. Gazing at the smaller boy, the cow sensed heat rustling at the back of his neck. His heart clenched as he imagined his fingers dancing through the tousled curls and around Momiji's slender waist. 'Why am I thinking about this right now?' He internally scolded, locking the fantasy in the back of his mind.

"Haru-kun, are you OK?" The blonde Sohma dropped his controlled with a plastic "clunk" and jammed the orange snack between his teeth. Swallowing, his eyes narrowed. "You keep messing up? Not on purpose, right?"

"Why would I need to do that?" The larger boy pointed out. "You always beat me at this game anyway."

"That's not true, Haru-kun," He teased in response. "You know you win sometimes!" Yanking on the controller cord in his fervor, Momiji's lips spread into a proud grin. "But I'm good at this game, aren't I?" He leapt to his feet. "_Kämpfen wir wieder_? Come on, let's play!" Selecting a particularly muscular fighter from the game's files, he began to taunt good-naturedly. "I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win!"

Hatsuharu smirked, noting the sharp contrast between the rabbit and his favorite character. Whereas the lumber avatar thundered through the arena with his barbaric weapon, Momiji flounced triumphantly from place to place around the television. Silhouetted against the flickering screen, the small boy's movements caught Haru in rapt attention and ignited sparks in his veins. Losing his focus on the game, dreams of Momiji hypnotized him into a daze.

"What are you doing?" Momiji called, lunging on top of his companion.

Immediately falling backwards in surprise, Hatsuharu flushed at the contact. "What?" The larger boy mumbled, blood pounding in his ears as the blonde squirmed on top of him.

"Your soldier kept smashing the wall!" Momiji exclaimed, his sweet eyes shrinking in accusation. "You aren't _that_ bad, silly! Were you falling asleep again?"

"Hmm," The white-haired boy caught his breath as a little hand reached to caress his face. Shivering, the cow shifted his legs with a jolt, embarrassed by his reaction to Momiji's touch. 'Not again, Momiji. Don't do this to me!' His mind pleaded with the rabbit for a change in position, though his body could yield no physical resistance. His muscles clenched, though he forced a reassuring smile to mask his discomfort. "I guess you could say that."

"How can you sleep through video games?" Momiji gasped, hugging his cousin even more tightly. "_Verrückt_!" Giggling loudly, he twisted his finger in Haru's hair, completely oblivious to the blush on the other boy's face. "And I thought you slept long enough in French class today!"

'I can't do this,' A voice nagged inside of the larger boy, though his body ignored his conscience as he involuntarily rose to meet each touch. 'Why am I so disgusting?' In his cursed turmoil, he embraced the other boy and invited him to remain in the compromising pose. "Momiji," he whispered silkily.

"_Was_?" Pulling his neck backward to watch his cousin, Momiji responded with a confused stare. Against Haru's cheek, his hand trembled.

His guilt swiftly dissolving, Haru's hands explored the expanse of Momiji's back, finally brushing against his soft tresses. "Nothing," The white-haired boy sighed, fondness drifting into his voice.

"_Hallo_?" The blonde mistook his companion's half-lidded gaze for tiredness. "Don't take a nap again!" He tickled the other boy's side in an attempt to rouse him. "_Stehst du auf_! It isn't nighttime yet!"

In this play, Haru enjoyed the feel of the rabbit's wandering fingers. "Mo-mi-ji!" He managed to gasp. Catching the other boy's wrists, he swiftly gained control of the situation.

At that moment, everything froze. Laughter trickled away into silence, until Momiji's heartbeat became the only noise in Hatsuharu's head. His thoughts and reason vanished, and all he saw was the other boy's amused face leaning above him. Those lips. He longed for the soft caress of those lips and the sensations he knew they offered. "Momiji," His voice was husky as he released the blonde's arms to let his fingers clasp the other boy's cheek.

Closer. Haru's head leaned forward. He heard Momiji's breath growing louder and louder, and finally he was so near to the other's face that he felt a gasp tingle at his nose. Closer. Needing to seal the gap between the two boys, the cow found no strength to hesitate. Closer.

"Haru-kun?" A squeak opened the larger boy's eyes. Right in front of Haru, Momiji's face stared in riddled confusion.

Suddenly, Hatsuharu's mind resurfaced in a rush. 'What the hell am I doing?' He shoved away his cousin in a protective gesture, springing to his feet and dashing to the other end of the room. "Oh God, Momiji-kun, I'm sorry!" His tone begged to erase the last few minutes from history. "I can't believe I-," His voice cracked with uncharacteristic emotion. "Momiji, I-," His stare swept from side to side in guilt. Unable to finish, he pushed through the door.

"Haru-kun? _Was ist los_?" The rabbit's call echoed behind the taller boy, pleading for his return. "I don't understand what just happened, but please keep playing with me. You didn't hurt me or anything! Haru-kun! Come back!"

Hatsuharu plugged his fingers in his ears to muffle the painful cries. His breath heaving, his legs carried him down the steps and out into the Sohma gardens. 'Why did I lose control like that?' Helplessness consuming his body, he sank to the rocky ground. He sensed the same dread moving in that plagued him whenever his "black side" left him in the wake of destruction.

'And maybe this is all black's fault,' He tried to reason, though in reality he knew that white was the one who desired Momiji. 'But what would it matter anyway? Black is still just as much a part of me, and I should be able to contain him. This lust is like another monster that seizes rule of my body against my will. I allow them both to stay, so I'm at fault for everything!'

Rolling a stone in the palm of his hand, he heaved it at an on-looking tree. All around him, the world seemed to watch with judging eyes. 'They can see this dark cloud inside of me!' He realized in frustration. 'Everyone knows how stupid I've been! I can't even control my own body! I'm a sick fool to think of Momiji as a lover, but I'm even worse to act on those urges when he thinks we're only playing!'

His chest swelled in self-loathing, and he clenched his fingers into fists until the nails sliced his palms. "I don't deserve to be alive!" He screamed aloud. "The stupid cow ruins everything!" A lump rising in his throat, the events of the past week flashed through his mind. Yuki's rejection. Momiji's comfort. Ayame's advice. His own lustful actions. 'I spoiled it all, didn't I? I'm ruining the most beautiful friendship I've ever had just like I destroyed my bond with Yuki. And I deserve it, too. I'd deserve it if no one ever spoke to me again!'

Resting his head dejectedly against his knees, he cried.

* * *

Under the veil of night, Hatsuharu slipped silently into his room, hoping to avoid any questions about his dinner absence. Shuddering, he longed to disappear into the realm of sleep where his real life would be but a distant memory. His bed should be his only comfort.

However, when he climbed between the sheets he felt the warmth of another body.

"Haru, you're finally back!" The bed's rattling awakened the rabbit. "I was so worried about you!" Tears streaming down his face, Momiji took the tense boy into his arms.

"Please don't worry about me," The white-haired boy reminded him, twisting and fighting the embrace. Breaking free, he turned to face the opposite direction. "That isn't your job, it's mine."

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #...hmm, I forget!**

_Stirb!- _Die! (I had to ask my German teacher how to say this, and she looked really disturbed. ha ha)

_Kämpfen wir wieder_?- Let's fight again!

_Verrückt_- crazy!

_Was_?- What?

_Hallo_!- Hello (did I even need to say that!)

_Stehst du auf_!- wake up! (ha ha, I had to resubmit this chapter because I thought I remembered my host mom in Germany saying something different for this one, but thankfully a German reader helped me! I don't feel so bad, though, because in Fruits Basket manga #2 Momiji says things that aren't really correct German. ;) )

_Was ist los?_- What is it? or What's wrong?


	7. Fighting the Monsters

Ok loyal readers, I'm going against what I originally told you I would do! I'm posting this chapter on its own, and so I'll leave you in horrible suspense. I'm sorry! Well, this might be my longest chapter yet, among other things. Major language warning here, Black Haru has such a dirty mouth! (tee-hee, I never swear, so I had fun writing this!) hmmm, next chapter will totally rock! That's all I'm saying at this point! Enjoy, and review!

* * *

"Momiji," The teacher scanned his grade book, pausing in front of the blonde's desk. "I want you to join group number two." He tapped his fingers on the surface impatiently, waiting for the rabbit to move.

Grabbing his cousin's arm, Momiji looked up hopefully. "Can I work with Haru-kun? _Bitte_? _Bitte_?"

"Hatsuharu," The teacher pointedly ignored the small boy's pleas. "Please join group four."

Rolling his eyes, the cow cast a grim glance across the room at a gaggle of girls. "This is going to be fun," He hissed sarcastically under his breath, turning to pat the smaller boy's shoulder. "Good luck," He encouraged, drudging toward the group of females.

"Hi Hatsuharu-san," A girl named Nanatsu sighed, flashing the white-haired boy a dreamy smile. "I'm so glad you're working with us."

"Yeah," He replied politely, albeit half-heartedly. Staring across the room, he watched Momiji skip over to a crowd of boys.

* * *

"_Hallo_ everbody!" Swinging his legs against the base of the chair, Momiji surveyed the three solemn faces in front of him. "Isn't the science fair fun? We're gonna win this year! What should our topic be? I think this chapter on cells is really cool. Maybe I could color some pictures of the different cells and then we could all work on the report together." He paused, a little concerned by the other boys' unresponsive expressions. "But if you don't want to do that, it's OK. I don't care. We can do whatever you want."

"I want you to shut up," The boy called Honda muttered, jerking his hands inside his leather jacket.

Next to him, his friend Taki snickered. "Shit, why did we get stuck with this freak? I feel like I'm working with my little sister."

Hurt creeping into Momiji's eyes, he forced a happy tone in an attempt to ease the friction. "It won't be so bad. I can do most of the work if you want. I know the teacher said we should all work together, but my cousin's a doctor and I'm sure he knows all about cells. "Hey!" He smacked his hand on the desk in his joy. "Maybe we can all get together at my house this week. I'll make dinner, and then Ha'ri-san can help us with the project."

"You'd like to eat dinner with me, wouldn't you, faggot?" Ripping at Momiji's scarf, Taki leaned closer so as to taunt the rabbit. "It'd be a fuckin' date for you." Pulling back abruptly, he looked at Honda with an amused smirk. "He'd like that, wouldn't he?"

"Guys," Yoshi, a popular student who was also assigned to work with Momiji, warned, "let's just get this finished."

"Wow Yoshi, it sounds like you're defending him!" Honda shoved his classmate. "I didn't suspect you for a fag."

Yoshi bit his lip, his voice growing icy. "He's a nice guy and you know it. Why are you always so retarded?"

Meanwhile, Momiji doodled on his paper, appearing disinterested, or perhaps trying to ignore the bitter criticisms. Pausing suddenly, he questioned, "Yoshi-kun, what does 'faggot' mean?"

Honda and Taki erupted in vicious laughter. Even Yoshi had to hide a chuckle behind his hand. "_Was_?" Momiji scanned his group, giggling to mask his confusion. "Does it mean something funny?"

"Yeah, it's funny, if you like sleeping with men," Taki grinned, anticipating the smaller boy's response.

"Oh, I understand!" Momiji exclaimed, pressing a finger to his lips. "I sleep with Haru-kun every night."

All around the blonde, the boys' faces danced with shock and amusement. "What?" Honda yelled, leaping to his feet. "What's this I hear, Haru?" He spoke too loudly so as to attract as much attention as possible. "Momiji here says that he's been sleeping with you. Is that true?"

Nervous titters scattered through the room as Haru rose to his feet. "What the hell did you just say?" Shock sliced at his heart like a sword, and disbelief bubbled over in his chest. 'So this is it?' He thought, horrified by how a few seconds could expose all his deepest fears. 'They all know that I'm not normal. Why did you tell them, Momiji? Don't you understand anything?' Embarrassment gave way to frustration, causing a fire to ravage through his veins and fill him with hateful black smoke. Black.

"I asked you a question, you stupid fuck!" The white-haired boy stomped toward Honda, seizing him by the collar and spearing him with a penetrating stare. "What are you, mute? You sure could yell a few seconds ago."

"Honda, Hatsuharu," The teacher demanded, attempting to restrain the furious attacker. "Let's stop this right now."

"So, you stop me, but where were you when these boys made fun of Momiji?" Haru turned on the man, advancing in accusation. "Is what I'm doing so much worse?" Clenching his hands on the teacher's arms, he gave a firm shake. "If I kill you, will it hurt any worse than Honda's heartless jokes?"

"That's, that's enough," The teacher stuttered, "If you don't stop, I'll, I'll go to the office!"

"Go ahead and run," The cow suggested in response, twisting his lips into a demented grin.

"Haru-kun, stop it, please!" Momiji cried in panic, reaching to give his cousin a comforting caress. "If you don't calm down, you'll be in trouble. And then they'll call Akito-san, and what if he makes you leave school? You want to stay here with me, don't you?"

"Oh, isn't that sweet," Taki added boldly, mimicking Momiji's high tone. "Your little boyfriend wants to protect you like you protected him. But Momiji told us the truth, didn't he? Will you deny it?"

"That's _enough_, Taki!" Attempting to silence the student, the teacher stepped in once more.

"Let me handle this," Black Haru commanded. Turning back to the two boys, he offered a stony glare. "Why the hell should I talk to you about this? I don't even like you."

"I sure hope not, you fag! Momiji's your bitch, that's his job. You don't need me!" Honda's voice grew more confident as he elicited quiet snickers from the class. "He told us all about it. Why are you so ashamed of your relationship? Is it because he's a guy, or because he looks like a little kid? What does that make you, some kind of pedophile?"

"Boys!" The teacher interjected. Seeing the murderous look in the Sohma's eyes, he nearly pushed Haru back into his chair. "This needs to end right now. Calm down, all of you! I will not have this kind of conduct in my classroom."

His "black side" receding only slightly, Haru tried to hide his shamed face behind his fingers. 'Pedophile. A stupid queer, and a pedophile? Is that what I am? Well, they all know now. Momiji knows. It's my fault that they laughed at him. I knew what we were doing was inappropriate. I should have just explained why we can't sleep in the same bed. I didn't because I liked touching him! How selfish! Look what I've done now!"

Momiji attempted to shake away his friend's pain as he nudged the cow's arm. "Haru-kun, are you OK?" Pulling out a piece of candy from his pocket, he slipped it into Hatsuharu's sweaty palm. "I hope you get feeling better. I don't know why they laughed at us, but I'm sorry if I made you sad!"

Feeling his classmates' eyes on his back, Haru shuddered in disgust. "Shut up," He grumbled, dropping the candy on the floor. "If you don't stop talking to me, they'll make fun of you again."

Tears brimming under the rabbit's thick lashes, he whispered a response. "I don't care about that, Haru-kun. _Ich liebe dich_."

* * *

Hatsuharu tossed his body from side to side, twisting the blankets tightly around him in an attempt to get comfortable. 'It feels so cold and lonely,' He realized, cursing the inhospitable bed. 'How can I sleep without Momiji? Everything just feels so empty!'

After the incident in class that day, the white-haired boy had managed to avoid his cousin by sulking home and holing himself up in his room all evening. Now he shivered between the sheets, not knowing whether he should feel regretful or relieved that there was no squirming boy sleeping next to him. 'I miss you, Momiji. But this is how things should be. I was using your body for my own comfort, and it wasn't right. I made all of these problems in your life, and I won't let you hurt again.'

Sighing in the silence, the cow strained to hear his cousin in the next room, trying to imagine that the boy slept beside him instead. However, in place of even breaths, he heard sobs. "_Mutti_! _Mutti_! _Warum liebst du mich nicht_? _Ich habe angst_!" Although unable to comprehend the foreign words, Haru could understand the distressed tone. " Haru-kun, _was ist passiert_? _Warum liebst du mich nicht_?"

The white-haired boy bit his lip as he recognized his own name. 'I'm so sorry Momiji. But it's for the best. You really don't want to be around me!' Lost in his own turmoil, Hatsuharu failed to hear Momiji leave his room until the smaller boy had pattered down the hallway and burst through Haru's door.

"Haru-kun," His voice sounded bright despite his tearful sniffles. "Are you still awake?"

"Yes," He answered shortly, frustration rising in his voice as it became difficult to keep his promise.

"Good!" Hopping to the bed, Momiji attempted to jump in next to the larger boy.

"Momiji!' Haru resisted, his frustration exploding into anger as he found no voice to protest further.

"It's OK if I sleep here, right?" The blonde smiled expectantly.

"No, it's not OK!" Heat churned in the cow's heart, and blackness crept like fog into his gaze. "You can't sleep here ever again! It's disgusting and wrong! Don't you remember how much trouble this caused today? Are you too stupid to see what those boys must think about us?" Somewhere deep inside of the infuriated body, the harsh words astonished White Haru. 'Dammit, Momiji, I don't mean that!' He called out silently, attempting to reclaim the remarks.

"Haru?" Choking back tears, the rabbit shook with fierce tremors. "Haru, I don't-,"

"You don't know, do you? You never know!" Black Haru insisted, flashing a bloody glare. "You don't know anything about me, and that's how things should stay! Get the fuck out!"

Watching helplessly as Momiji retreated, White Haru struggled to contain his monstrous alter-ego. 'Oh God! What have I done? My 'black side' never turned on Momiji before. I failed to protect him from myself again. Oh, Momiji, please forget all about this! Why can't I take back all those terrible words and make you happy again?'

Rising to his feet and resolving to apologize, Hatsuharu inched toward his cousin's bedroom door. Gasps and crying echoed from inside, and the hideous sounds turned the cow's stomach. 'I did this to you, Momiji! I'm the only one that deserves to cry.'

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson...#7?**

_Bitte_- please!

_Was?_- What? (this should be review. I used it last chapter?)

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you (again, it's review!)

_Warum liebst du mich nicht?_- Why don't you love me?

_Ich habe angst_- I'm afraid

_Was ist passiert_?- What happened?

...coming soon! Something cute and happy. After this chapter, I'm sure it'll be a welcome change!


	8. Can I Believe?

Ok everybody! A new, happier chapter! yay! I really hope you enjoy this. It's pretty fluffy and so it was difficult for me to complete (I'm not used to writing romance! Or thinking about it, for that matter!) So, I hope it is OK. Please enjoy and review! Danke!

* * *

"Momiji," Haru's voice fell flat with nervousness as he peeked through a crack in the door. "Momiji-kun? Can I please come in? I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Rasing his pitch, his cries crumbled under the stress. "Momiji-kun, I need to talk to you!"

No response. 'Oh shit! What have I done?' His stomach dropped in terror as he shifted on the balls of his feet. 'Momiji's hurting, and I did it! What if he never smiles again? I've never heard him cry like this before? What if I've destroyed him? I was too stupid to protect the only person dear to me!'

Suddenly, two wide, brown eyes met Hatsuharu, staring as the door slid open. "Haru-kun?" Momiji asked breathlessly, his lips trembling.

"Can I come in?" The cow looked around in his awkwardness, unable to meet the rabbit's gaze.

Nodding wordlessly, the blonde extended a shy hand, inviting his cousin to enter. Momiji projected an aura of clumsy apology, showing that he was not sure whether he should be upset or instantly forgiving. He felt so relieved that the taller boy had come back to him, but inside the sharp reprimand still hurt. Haru understood this as he read Momiji's expression, and therefore felt even more uncertain himself. Both boys avoided each other as they shuffled around the room.

The noiseless air elicited shivers from Hatsuharu. "Momiji," he attempted to end the silence. "Look, I don't really know what I can say to erase what just happened. I was stupid. I couldn't stop Black from taking over." Tears rolling down his cheeks, he swiped his palm across his face. "I've lost control of myself, and I'm hurting you! That's why you need to stay away from me."

"_Nein_!" The smaller boy insisted, advancing toward his white-haired cousin with a look of concern. "You don't hurt me. You make me happy! I don't want to stay away from you." Sitting down on his bed, he gestured for Haru to join him. His salty cheeks twitching with a smile, he reached his tiny fingers to caress the cow's arm. "When we play together, I have so much fun! And when you talk to me, I feel like I am loved for the first time in my life. You're nice to me and take care of me, and you're the only one that treats me like you love me, I think."

'Love?' Hatsuharu closed his eyes, trying to relax his inner tensions. 'More like lust. If I really loved him, I wouldn't even think about taking advantage of him. If he only knew what goes through my head when I'm close to him like this.' His brain throbbed as he realized his abuse of the rabbit's trust. "But I do hurt you," he argued, though he sounded weak and numb. "You're crying right now because of me. Can't you see I'm dangerous to you?"

"You didn't make me cry!" Momiji rushed to counter the comment, shaking his head fervently. "I'm crying because I did something bad to you and I don't know what!" The German boy rattled with pain, his voice fluctuating between cries. "I don't understand why you keep getting mad at me, but whatever's wrong, I want to stop it!"

Taking a deep breath, Haru realized the need to be honest with his companion. 'He deserves to know that this isn't his fault. I'm being so unfair! Just because I didn't want to embarrass myself, I kept everything inside even though he didn't understand what was going on. I can't do that any longer. My secrecy is hurting him even worse than my actions. I'll tell him everything if that's what it takes to cure his guilty feelings. _Everything_! Nothing is worse than hearing him worry about me!' Finding strength in this confirmation, he lowered his voice, forcing an explanatory tone. "Do you know why our class laughed at us today?"

"No!" The blonde squeaked. "They just started calling me words I couldn't understand, and then-,"

"What did they call you?" The larger boy cut in, anger bubbling once more in his chest.

Furrowing his brow in thoughtfulness, Momiji tried to answer. "F, fa-,"

"Fag?" Haru supplied, sympathetic pain boiling in his heart.

"_Ja_!" The smaller boy brightened in remembrance, still oblivious to that the fact that he had been insulted. "And they called you that, too! But they thought it was so funny, so I started laughing. I'm glad I could have fun with them. I still don't know what it means, though!"

Nodding gently, Haru spoke as if he was addressing a child. "Well," He started. Wondering how he should answer the eager boy, he took wary precautions with his words. He was afraid that the direction of the conversation would cause his feelings for Momiji to surface. 'But I promised that I would be honest! I can't keep thinking about my own interests in this!' Ending the pause, he offered a shy grin. "Well, it's a very mean name for a gay person. Honda and Taki think we are both gay." He hesitated, "Momiji-kun, do you know what 'gay' means?"

"_Natürlich_!" He quipped defensively, his face heating up as he realized the magnitude of the other boy's statement. "Oh, so they think we're, I mean, when I said we sleep together, they must have thought-," He dissolved in nervous giggles for the first time that evening. Although the sound was laced with obvious shame, it twinkled in the silence. "They thought I meant we had-,"

"Yes," Haru buried his face in his hands. "They think we are having sex." Hunching his shoulders, he could not bear to face his cousin. 'Why am I so embarrassed? I've never had a problem talking about sex before. But with Momiji sitting next to me, I can't be so bold! He just doesn't understand!'

"Oops," The blonde's mood plummeted once more. "I'm sorry! I didn't know what I was saying!"

"It's OK," The cow responded hurriedly, his own mood turning even more solemn as traces of sadness returned to Momiji's voice. "Don't worry about it." A pregnant pause trailed his statement.

Staring meditatively at the white-haired boy, Momiji exhibited blatant curiosity. "Haru-kun, are you gay?"

"What!" Shaking the bed, Haru jumped to his feet in surprise. His eyes probed into his cousin's expression. 'He must've noticed! Oh God, what does he think of me now? Is he as disgusted by me as Yuki is? Please don't leave me, Momiji!' A lump accumulated in his throat. 'Please don't reject me!' Studying his feet, he mumbled, "Why do you think that?"

"_Keine Sorge_!" Momiji exclaimed, hopping up to hug the other boy. "I've known for a long time, ever since Kyo-kun told me! He said that I should stay away from you, too," he pulled the cow back onto the bed, rushing to ease his discomfort, "but I didn't listen to him because it doesn't bother me at all!" Seeming to read Hatsuharu's thoughts, he rubbed his hands across the other boy's back. "I don't think you're gross, Haru-kun," He finished sweetly.

Automatically, Haru jerked away from the wandering fingers. "But, doesn't it bother you?" He stammered.

"Nope!" He replied, sounding almost joyous. "When you told me that you used to like Yuki, I felt happy for you. Remember? If you love someone, it's a happy thing! Love isn't gross or something to be embarrassed about!" Clasping his hands together, he bounced in his seat. "I'm happy for you if you love someone!"

'Love?' Haru mused once more at how loosely his cousin used the term. 'Does he even know what that means? If he knew, he certainly wouldn't approve of my love for other guys, and especially not my love for him.' His eyes wandered around the room, as if mentally searching for some point to disprove Momiji's acceptance. He just could not believe it. "Why do you trust me so much? Don't you ever worry that I might start liking you?" The question escaped his lips before he could reclaim it.

Momiji smiled in his uncertainty, covering his blush with his hands. "_Genau_," He giggled once more, stumbling over his answer. "A couple of days ago I thought, um," stuttering, he whispered, "I thought you were going to kiss me."

Gritting his teeth, the other boy moaned. "Ugh! Momiji-kun, I'm so sorry about that! I don't know-,"

"I was kind of happy," Momiji stopped the apology with an honest expression on his face. "Sometimes I think about," the narrative tumbled from his lips, "doing things like, like _that_ with you. When we're playing sometimes, I think I love you, and I hope that you love me too. But then I can't talk to you about it because I don't want to make you mad at me! I never wanted you to find out about this. I'm afraid you don't like it when I kiss you!"

Cold sweat welled on Haru's skin as he met the other boy's terrified stare. Although Momiji had jumbled his words, the cow understood him. He just couldn't accept what he heard. 'He can't be saying this. He doesn't mean it. He doesn't think about the same things I do! He's just too innocent!' Insistent criticism pounding in his brain, he choked out a response. "It wouldn't make me mad," he mumbled under his breath, completely unsure of his own strength.

"_Wirklich_?" Sliding closer to the white-haired boy, Momiji seemed to be asking permission to continue. One of the rabbit's trembling hands slid around Haru's waist, while the other reached to stroke his hair. His eyes widening, the small boy shone with surprise. Surprise at his own brave actions, and surprise that the other boy was not withdrawing. "If I wanted to kiss you," he looked down, "would it be OK?"

Reason escaped Haru once more, his head nodding reflexively. His inner turmoil freezing as Momiji moved closer, he found no will for self control. He could only shut his eyes in anticipation and forget all the painful toil he had endured trying to destroy his desires.

Momiji's squirming body drawing forward, his mouth came within an inch of the other boy's face before hesitating. He sighed awkwardly, warmth dancing across his cheeks. "Haru-kun," His breath tickled the larger boy's lips. "I don't think I know what to do."

With an understanding grin, Hatsuharu wrapped the rabbit in an encouraging embrace. Opening his eyes, he skimmed Momiji's cheek with his fingers. 'I need to do this!' A part of his mind insisted, overpowering his conscience. 'I've wanted this for so long, and he's letting me, so I can't be taking advantage! Even if it is just this once, I want this to stay in my memory forever.' Blood rushed to his ears as he listened to Momiji's hastened heartbeat. "Momiji," He spoke huskily, drinking in the other boy's adoring gaze.

The gap between them closed instantly, neither boy actually knowing who made the final move. Momiji's lips pressed clumsily against Haru's mouth, energy exploding at the sloppy point of contact. The feel of the rabbit's body against his own was the single focus of Haru's mind, and he relished in the awkward touch. Hands roaming across the other boy's back, adrenaline shot through Hatsuharu's body in jolts. Mouths dancing together, the two boys dissolved in pent-up emotions.

Lingering but a few seconds, Momiji pulled backwards with an uncertain glint in his eyes. "Haru-kun, _Ich liebe dich_." He explained kindly, as if he needed to account for his unusual behavior in its aftermath. His shoulders trembled with skittish giggles.

"I know." His finger brushing through the other boy's disheveled tresses, Haru shut his eyes and recalled the brief kiss. He could still feel Momiji's lips joining his own, the fluttering sensation deepening as he replayed the moment over and over in his mind. But, as he reclaimed his thoughts, the shadow of guilt returned. His hands dropped from the rabbit's back. "You really need to get some sleep. We have school tomorrow."

"I know, but Haru, I don't feel tired at all!" He fidgeted, obviously activated by the night's events. "I've never done anything like that before, I mean," he hid his face under the blankets shyly, "that was my first kiss ever. I'm so happy it was with you!" Bursting with glee, he simultaneously blushed and smiled at his cousin. However, in his infatuation he offered Hatsuharu unquestioning obedience, flipping off the light switch in accordance with his request. "I guess you're right, Haru-kun! But I can't wait for tomorrow morning to come so we can spend more time together."

"I'll be here with you the whole time," Haru corrected, his voice sounding slightly amused.

"_Danke schön_!" He flung himself against the larger body. "_Guten Abend_, Haru-kun! _Ich liebe dich_!" In the darkness, he grew bolder with his lips, lingering a moment longer as he planted another wet kiss on Haru's startled mouth.

At the renewed touch, Hatsuharu's chest fluttered with sparks. Trembling in both fear and excitement, he tried but failed to abandon his regrets. 'We have to go to school tomorrow. Things will be so different for us, won't they, Momiji?' He silently reviewed the day's events as he tried to soothe his cousin to sleep. Thinking of the blonde's virginal naivety, his head churned with shame. 'He thinks this is all play now, because that's all he can understand. But what about when he finally sees what he's done? I shouldn't feel so content when I know he might not really mean what he told me tonight. He seems too sweet to be as twisted as I am, I just can't believe his kiss.'

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #8?**

_Nein_- no

_Ja_- yes

_Natürlich_- naturally. (I know it seems like a strange thing to say, but in German people say it all the time like we say "of course")

_Keine Sorge_- No worries

_Genau_- another German expression, like a conversation filler, that means "of course" or something like that.

_Wirklich_- really?

_Danke schön_- Thank you

_Guten Abend_- Good night

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you

Next chapter will be simultanteously cute and angsty, like everything I write in this story! That's the only preview I can give! tee hee!


	9. What They Think

Hi again to all my loyal readers! (And some new ones, too! ;) ) Thanks for all your input on the last chapter I wrote. I hope I don't disappoint anyone when I say I don't intend to do a lemon (this is a T rated story, after all) but I am doing a fluffy lime scene in a later chapter. Right now my plans are for around 17 chapters. I hope that isn't too long! Please tell me if it is! So, anyway, I just got Fruits Basket #8 manga, which was great because the author really developed Haru's character. But I got an unhappy surprise! A surprise called Rin! Well, I thought Haru was supposed to be gay...anyway, I don't think I'll include her in this story, so let's just forget about her. I only write shouen ai. ha ha! Enjoy and review!

* * *

"Oh! Oh! I know!" Waving his arm frantically from side to side, Momiji bounced in his seat. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Yes, Momiji?" The teacher sighed, massaging her forehead.

"The Japanese won the war against Russia in 1905, and after that some of the poor Russian people were sad so they asked their leader why this happened. But the army got mad and started killing them!" The blonde proclaimed gleefully, as if this were a piece of very good news rather than a historical tragedy.

"That's correct. Thank you for doing your reading assignment." Flashing a half smile, she continued to pace around the classroom. "Now, can anyone tell me who was the czar of Russia at that time?"

Nearly springing from his desk, Momiji answered with unintelligible squeals.

"Does anyone," she annunciated her interrogation, "_besides_ Momiji know?"

"Haru-kun, you know this, right?" Momiji whispered a bit too loudly. "It's czar Nicholas! Nicholas!"

Whirling around with narrow eyes, the teacher tried to maintain a patient tone. "I appreciate that you are so engaged in class, Momiji. But I think that you should give other people a chance to answer. Don't you agree?"

"_Tut mir leid_!" He replied with a sunny laugh. Quieting his movements, he sifted through his back and extracted a box of vivid crayons. Soon his hand scrawled over a piece of paper on the table in front of him, using color after color in a hurried work of art. Touching the container, he froze, eyeing it suspiciously. "Haru-kun?" He leaned forward to tap his cousin on the shoulder. "Have you seen my pretty purple crayon?"

"Oh, sorry," Haru joked sarcastically. "I must have forgot to return it last time I needed to use it."

"That's OK!" The smaller boy caressed the nape of the cow's neck, adoration radiating from each touch. "If you want it, you can keep it!"

The white-haired boy had to smile at his friend's generosity. 'After last night, he seems so happy. He's acting like all the problems with what happened are irrelevant.' Studying his hands, Haru exhaled. 'But he's like that, I suppose. Maybe that's why I need to be near him. I just wish I could forget all the trouble in the world, for one second. Then I might be able to enjoy what I have without fearing the worst.'

Silencing the other boy's musings, the rabbit leaped forward to rattle his companion once again. "I made something for you, Haru-kun! Look. It's a picture!" He smiled proudly, sliding a leaflet onto his classmate's desk.

Hatsuharu's eyes widened as he saw the drawing, and he had to suppress a grunt of surprise. On the paper in front of him, two sketchy animals floated amidst a sea of pink hearts. A cow and a rabbit. And from the rabbit's mouth, Momiji had added the words, "Haru-kun, will you be my boyfriend?" in bold ink.

Lifting his pen, Haru looked back, hoping to find a response in the smaller boy's face. But instead he was met by hopeful eyes and blushing cheeks: An expression that begged for an affirmative answer. 'Boyfriend?' His muscles tightened. 'I haven't been called that since, well, since Rin.' Feeling the air around him freeze as the hurtful memories sliced into his mind, he shuddered. 'No! No! I can't do this to Momiji. Doesn't he know how much this relationship will hurt him? He thinks he wants this, but he just doesn't know. It's just a crush! A childish crush! It isn't worth it if it hurts him!'

His vision swirling, the white-haired boy felt as if his heart could burst. 'Oh God!' Biting his lip, he stared at the sweet message in wonderment. 'What do I do about this? I got myself into this mess, and now anything I do or say will hurt him.' His past memories haunting him, he remembered Momiji's nighttime cries. 'If I reject him, he'll think that I hate him. That's worse! I couldn't live with myself if he ever thought that! I can't bear to imagine him feeling that way about me.' Losing control of his hand, he scrawled an uncertain "yes" next to the other animal.

His whole arm trembling, Momiji reached to retrieve the response. He paused a moment, and then squealed so loudly that the entire class turned to watch him. His face beaming with infatuation, he ignored the curious stares as he rubbed his cousin's back affectionately. "_Ich liebe dich_!" He giggled. "_Ich bin froh_! _Ich bin froh_!"

"Momiji." The teacher interrupted, glaring at the two boys. "I'm glad that you're in such high spirits today, but can you _please_ contain yourselves until after class? And keep your hands to yourself," she added, gesturing to the rabbit's wandering fingers and then to Haru's mortified expression. "I'm not sure your cousin appreciates it."

Taki snorted, shifting in his seat in order to get a better view of the compromising situation. "Oh, I think he does!"

The class roared with laughter, the whole room watching Hatsuharu as if they were expecting another spectacle to erupt. Only the teacher and Momiji appeared puzzled, their eyes scanning face after face in an attempt to decipher the sneers. The bell buzzed and interrupted the excitement, but even as the students filed past the cow's slumped form, they snickered.

Heat slashed at Hatsuharu's skin, his blood rushing in response. 'That's what your life will be like if you stay with me, Momiji!' He felt a heavy weight enclose his body. 'Do you want that? Don't you even care what they think of you? Don't you see that I'm slowly dragging you into hell?' Turning back to acknowledge the smaller boy, his eyes darkened like an ocean churning in a storm, swelling with depression and shame.

"Don't be sad!" Momiji's exclamation echoed through the deserted classroom. Tilting forward in his chair, the blonde encircled him in a warm embrace. "Get up! We need to go eat lunch! _Ich habe Hunger_! Let's go! Please! Please!"

Giving in to his new boyfriend, the cow rose to his feet and offered an unsure hand. "Do you know what this means for us? I hope you understand how much people will reject our relationship. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Burying his face in the taller boy's chest, Momiji brushed his fingers against the black fabric of the uniform. "I'm so happy, Haru! I love you, and you love me, so it's OK, right? I don't care what other people think of us if we're happy!" Dropping his voice, he became very serious. "The most important thing is what you think of yourself, Haru-kun. I realized that when my _Mutti_ kept turning me away. She would start screaming that I was worthless, and then _Vati _would chase me away from her and wait hours before apologizing. I'd sit in my room and cry, begging _Mutti_ to love me, but in all that time I never changed her mind."

Sighing, he looked up at the larger boy with shining eyes. "When I finally said goodbye to her, I felt like I had no reason to be alive anymore. My one purpose had been to show her that I loved her, and I thought I had messed up. I went to Ha'ri-san's house for the first time that night, and I felt so alone that I imagined nothing could ever be happy again. But finally I learned that I _could_ be happy as long as I was happy with myself. That's the only way I survive without my _Mutti_ and _Vati_." Grinning brightly in spite of his sad story, he pulled Haru down to his level. "And now I have you to love me, too!"

'Sometimes you're so strong,' Haru thought as he twisted his fingers through the blonde tresses. 'Most people would never guess. You keep smiling, no matter what happens. I'll do anything to keep that smile on your face. But I'm afraid I'm too stupid to know what's right. I just don't know what I should do.' Drawing closer, he saw a blush ravage the smaller boy's cheeks. "So, you're my boyfriend now. Do you want me to kiss you?" He asked calmly.

Managing a hopeful nod, Momiji squeezed his eyes closed and awaited the contact. His heartbeat echoing through the room, he let his fingers snake across his larger cousin's back.

Haru's eyes scanned the door for any signs of movement before he leaned forward to capture the rabbit's soft lips in his mouth. Against the quivering body, Haru's arms melted into a protective hug. Fire licked through his veins as he traced his hand along Momiji's spine, his mind disappearing into the emotional touch.

Licking gently at the other boy's mouth, a sudden guilt surged within his heart and left him feeling like he was doing something forbidden and dangerous. Like a child stealing cookies from his mother's cookie jar. In the swirling turmoil, he quickly withdrew and offered the blonde little more than a sheepish grin. "I'd really like to have that drawing back, if you don't mind?" His voice laced with both fear and contentment, he pulled Momiji away from the blissful trance, bringing them both back to reality.

Momiji's face exploded with joy, his shaky fingers scrambling to find the note. "Yes, I want you to keep it! So you can always know how much I love you!" Sliding the paper into the other boy's palm, the blonde added, "And, besides, I don't need it because I'll always have that poem you gave me."

Hatsuharu looked away to mask his embarrassment. "So, you figured me out?"

"_Ja_!" Momiji spun around proudly. "But now it's time for lunch! I really hope they have M&Ms left in the vending machine, because I really want some! I'll share with you, if you want! Let's go find Tohru-kun and our other friends!" His hands locking around his boyfriend's arm, he took off skipping down the hallway.

"Hey, Momiji?" Haru tried to slow him down as he caught sight of Yuki and Kyo. "I think it would be best if you don't tell Yuki and the others about us right now." His eyes narrowing in concern, he smiled sadly. "I don't want Yuki thinking, well, I just don't want them to be mean to you." His chest swelling, he mentally added. 'I don't want anyone to hurt you again, least of all because of me. You don't deserve to suffer.'

"I know, I know!" Momiji insisted, hurrying toward his friends. "I'm not a _Dummkopf_!" Giggling, he waved at Tohru, plopping down in the chair beside her and instantly spreading his lunch box over the vacant space on his other side. "I'll save you a seat, Haru-kun!"

Joining Momiji, the white-haired boy tried to relax. "Hey," He mumbled, attempting a natural smile. But inside, his heart contracted violently. It seemed like ever one of the other students was scrutinizing him. Their stares bore into him, causing him to cringe in guilt. 'What if they know?'

"Hi Haru-san and Momiji-kun," Grinning, Tohru met them with a happy wave.

Yuki nodded, unable to make eye contact with his younger cousin. "How was your day?" He forced a polite tone, though it was transparent. Ever since his discussion with Hatsuharu, their relationship had been strained.

Momiji cut in, his voice bubbling with glee. "Oh! It was so fun! In art class this morning, we started painting. And Haru-kun got orange paint all over the floor. The teacher looked so mad! It was so funny! And then, in history class-,"

Momiji's chatter drumming in his head, he smiled in admiration. 'How can he act so normal when my legs still feel weak? And to think that just a few minutes ago he was the one that looked shy and overwhelmed.' Haru blushed as he studied Yuki's expression. 'Can he see what just happened between Momiji and I? He must be able to read it on our faces.' Sweat drizzling down his neck, Haru exhaled in frustration. 'You know that I've taken advantage of him, don't you, Yuki? You're the only one who sees how sick I am inside!'

Pausing to toss a handful of chips into his mouth, Momiji's greasy fingers found Haru's hand under the table as he crunched the snack between his teeth. At the touch, the cow's heart blazed with shock. Between the entwined palms, sparks sizzled, causing Haru to shiver with both pleasure and restiveness. 'They all see what he's doing to me. They must.'

But the conversation continued obliviously. "Shut up, damn happy rabbit!" Kyo snapped suddenly, lunging at the blonde.

"Waaaah!" Releasing his hold on Hatsuharu, Momiji sniffled behind his hands. "Kyo's being mean to me!"

Glaring threateningly at the cat, Haru's blood burned. 'This is only the beginning. I guess you'll have to learn soon how mean people can really be, and I'm just afraid I won't be there to protect you.'

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #9**

_Tut mir leid_- I'm sorry

_Ich bin froh_- I'm happy!

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you (of course!)

_Ich habe Hunger_- I'm hungry

_Mutti_- Mom

_Vati_- Dad

_Ja_- yes

_Dummkopf_- literally "dumb head", a mild German insult.


	10. Making you Happy

Hello again:) I had fun with this chapter. I always love writing Ayame! For those of you who asked, this story won't reallylive up to its "angst" label until the last few chapters. Sorry about that! Thanks so much for the reviews. They always make me so happy! I'm glad people like this story so much! I'm really having fun with it! Well, please enjoy chapter 10!

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"Good evening," Ayame bowed flamboyantly, emerging from Hatori's house with a "bang". He surveyed the two boys standing on the steps with fascination. "Oh, how fabulous! You walked home together, and you're holding his hand, too!" Winking at Haru, he bent over to address Momiji. "He's been treating you well, I suppose? My little Haru is a perfect gentleman. I've taught him well, haven't I?"

The cow rolled his eyes. "Hello, Aaya-san." He flashed a warning look, hoping to end the conversation.

"_Guten Abend_!" Momiji bounced forward, lunging to embrace his older cousin. "Did you have a good day? Mine was so fun! After school, Haru bought me ice cream, and then he took me to the arcade. And, guess what? I won so many games!" Turning back, he beamed at his boyfriend. "And then I wanted Haru to win me a bunny rabbit, and he tried and tried to pick it up with the claw in this one game, but it kept slipping! He was getting really mad, but he didn't want me to know!"

"Well, that sounds like a date to me," The silver-haired man released his grip on the rabbit and rose to his feet. "Oh, sweet little Bunny-kuns! You better stop touching me, or Hatsuharu might get jealous."

"Oops, sorry," The blonde grinned sheepishly, biting his finger. He rushed to rejoin his white-haired cousin, sliding his arm around the other boy's waist.

Sighing, Hatsuharu patted his shoulder softly. "Don't worry about it."

"My dear Momiji-kun," Ayame laughed, waving his arms in a dramatic motion. "I must speak with Haru-kun alone at this time. I know it will be difficult for you to separate from him, but he will make it up to you later, of course." Pointing to the illuminated kitchen window, he tossed his hair over his shoulder. "Hatori is inside fixing a delicious supper, and he wanted me to help, but I just can't. Why don't you go and help him for me?"

"_Ja_!" Swinging his arms around the other boy's neck, Momiji jumped up and planted a quick kiss on the cow's lips. Smiling with joy, he skipped into the house without further questioning the matter.

As Momiji left, Ayame's eyes widened. "What was _that_? Did something happen that you didn't tell me about? How could you leave me bereft of this vital news? And after I helped you!" He faked a pout, but it was transparent when matched with the curious grin on his face. Floating down the stairs and out into the austere gardens, he pulled on his younger cousin with bubbling anticipation. "It was all the poem, wasn't it? I knew it! You simply swept him off his feet with our words of undying passion!"

"Not exactly," Haru corrected in a bored voice. Leaning against a mossy stone, he gazed unseeingly into the darkness.

"But he was simply _shimmering_ with love for you. It was written all over his face! Aren't you ever happy?" Swishing his silver locks, the snake yawned emphatically. "You're starting to act like an old man, Haru-kun!"

"It's wrong." The younger boy groaned, twisting his finger through his heavy necklaces. "I didn't know what to do. He asked me to be his boyfriend. What could I say that wouldn't hurt him?"

"Yes!" Ayame proclaimed effortlessly, as if the answer was obvious. "You're supposed to say 'yes'. You're in love with him, and it sure seems like he's in love with you." Giggling, he reached to slick Haru's white tresses back into place. "If you keep pushing him away, he'll think that you don't like him! You have no romantic notions whatsoever. But that's why you have me, I suppose!"

"What do you mean?" Hatsuharu eyed him suspiciously.

"Never fear, little cow!" Draping his arm around the other boy's shoulders, he chuckled with confidence. "I took the liberty to plan a little romantic getaway for you and Bunny-kuns." Sighing, he wiped his forehead in exaggeration. "It was a challenge to get these tickets, but I knew I had to do it because I feel overpowering sympathy for your plight. I decided to work overtime to give you a perfect date and a wonderful opportunity to charm him."

Spinning around, Ayame continued in a singsong voice. "Here I have two bullet train tickets to Tokyo and two all day passes to Disneyland." He looked at his cousin proudly. "Wasn't it a stroke of pure genius? Imagine how Momiji's face will light up when you tell him. He'll fall into your arms the very second you get him alone. This is your chance, little Haru!"

Smiling in spite of the dramatics, the younger boy nodded cooly. "Thanks Aaya-san. We'll really enjoy this."

"Oh, I know!" The snake danced across the rocky ground. "I'm brilliant! Simply brilliant!" His laughter reflected intense pleasure at finally proposing an accepted suggestion. "Momiji will be so thoroughly entranced when he finds out!"

"Found you!" Surprising the two cousins, a little figure appeared from behind a nearby building. Momiji scampered forward, running to embrace Hatsuharu. "I found you! I found you! Why are you hiding back here? Are you telling secrets? _Ich will wissen_! I want to know!" He pleaded exuberantly.

"You need not worry, Momiji-kun!" Drifting toward the couple, the older man tousled Momiji's golden locks. "I just had some questions for your boyfriend, but it's nothing you don't already know, I'm sure."

"Momiji?" A questioning voice interrupted the conversation once more. Framed by the shadows of the nearby trees, Hatori moved toward the group with purpose. "Did you find them?"

"Ha'ri-kun!" Squealing, Ayame sounded as if he had not seen his lover in several months, though they had actually been separated no longer than a few minutes. "Oh, Ha'ri-koi! I have so much to tell you!"

Approaching the snake, the seahorse offered a kind half-smile. "Dinner is ready."

"We were looking for you guys for so long!" The rabbit added, snuggling against Hatsuharu's jacket. "We walked all the way around the main house, and over to where the servants live, and then passed the buildings where some of the families live! And we couldn't find you anywhere!" His voice trickled sweetly through the stillness. "If we don't hurry, the food will get cold!"

"Sorry," Haru apologized, glancing toward his two older cousins. They had moved a few feet away, but, in spite of the distance, Haru could still hear Ayame's banter. As the snake made fluid motions with his body to match the inflections in his story, Hatori stared at him seriously. But in his eyes, the white-haired boy could see glimmers of an unconditional love that treasured every word that Ayame said. 'I wonder if Momiji and I will become so close?'

"Oh!" Ayame halted suddenly, his eyes darting back to his younger cousins. "I think Haru-kun as something to tell Momiji-kun!" Slipping the tickets into the cow's hand, Ayame winked. "Good luck!" Bursting with glee, the silver-haired man looped his hand around Hatori's arm. "Let us depart for another splendid meal, my love!"

Hatori nodded in understanding, cooperating with his lover. "Come home as soon as you are done," The doctor reminded the younger boys, leading Ayame back to his house on the Sohma estate.

As soon as the older men were out of earshot, Momiji started interrogating the taller boy. "You have something to tell me? Ooh! Ooh!" Releasing his hold on Haru's waist, he hopped around in excitement. "_Was ist das_? A secret? A surprise?"

Grinning in anticipation, the cow handed the envelope to his boyfriend. "Ayame bought us tickets to Disneyland."

"Really!" Momiji's eyes widened with explosive joy. "We're going to Disneyland? I can't believe it! I've wanted to go for so long! I love Ayame! He is so nice and fun! Aren't you excited, Haru-kun?"

Ayame's words echoed through the other boy's head. 'If you keep pushing him away, he'll think that you don't like him.' Hatsuharu's heart clenched. 'I don't want that. If I'm going to call him my boyfriend, I should at least try to treat him like one. Even if it's against my best judgement.' Melting into the smaller boy's smile, Haru's chest warmed. "I'm excited to spend the day with you." He replied, his simple tone reflecting the sincerity of his statement.

"_Ich liebe dich_!" The rabbit giggled, reaching to hold Haru's hand. "I can't wait! This will be so fun! We're going to do everything! I want to ride all of the roller coasters, and see the castle, and maybe even meet Micky Mouse." Giving Hatsuharu's arm a tug, Momiji started to lead his boyfriend back home.

'When he smiles like that,' Haru thought, his eyes studying the smaller boy, 'I sometimes forget what depression feels like. His glow is like my elixir. I just wish I could give him some of the happiness that he brings me!' Stopping, the white-haired boy quieted his voice. "You were right, I mean, what you said to me today."

"What do you mean, Haru-kun?"

"You said that I shouldn't worry about what other people think, and that I should love myself." The cow reminded him. "And deep down I know you're right. It's just, my parents-,"

Caressing his cousin's back, Momiji tried to erase the nervous expression on the other boy's face, urging him to continue. "Don't be scared, _Schatz_! I want to help you!"

"No," Haru shook his head, staring at the dusty path. "I can't complain to you like this. It's selfish of me! I should be happy that I still have my mom."

Biting his lip, Momiji realized what was silencing the other boy. "You can tell me, Haru-kun. I want you to tell me! I think we can really help each other, because we've been through some of the same things!"

"No," Hunching his shoulders, Hatsuharu reclined against the wall. "What you went through was so much worse. I'm just weak, I guess." Giving in to the blonde's concerned touch, Haru forced out his shaky explanation. "It's just, my mom is always so worried about what other people think."

Rubbing his forehead, the taller boy groaned in recollection of the hurtful memories. "She always wants people to think that we're the perfect family with the perfect life. I guess she can't see that my curse makes that impossible." He chuckled half-heartedly, trying to diminish the pain in his voice. "When I was little, she always corrected me and tried to make me into the child that she wanted me to be."

"One time when I was five years old," he continued, "I was playing with Kyo and I fell into a thorn bush. I ran home crying, and when she saw my swollen eyes and tattered clothes, she didn't even ask if I was hurt. She just told me to clean up before someone else saw what a mess I had made." A lump swelled in his throat as her biting tone echoed through his mind. "When that didn't work, she tried making excuses for me. Now she just pretends I don't exist. It's easier for her that way."

Drawing closer to his blonde boyfriend, Hatsuharu claimed an awkward hug. "I promised myself that I'd never become like that! I'd never worry about people's opinions of me! I'm just as much of a failure as she says, though, because I can't stop myself from fearing the worst. I don't care so much when people hate me, I guess. I already know that I'm stupid. I mean, I worry what Yuki thinks sometimes, but that's different." He shrugged. "But I can't stop worrying about what people think of you."

His lashes swimming with tears, Momiji answered shakily. "_Warum_? Please don't worry about me, Haru-kun. I don't want to make you sad! I think, I mean, if I try to, I can take care of myself, really. But I want you to love yourself, too, because I love you very much. You are a really good person! I know you think you're bad, but you're not!"

"I'm not like you, Momiji," He corrected his smaller boyfriend. "I'm not so strong. You're always so positive, no matter what happens. You're perfect. And all I can do is wallow in my own self-loathing."

"_Stimmt nicht_!" Momiji's voice cracked, a sound that echoed his sympathy for the other boy. "I'm not perfect! Everybody hurts, we just have different ways of showing it. Sometimes I'm sad, too. I get scared that everyone I love will leave me. But I feel guilty and then try to bury the pain deep inside where no one else can see it. I should be stronger! I should be happy with my life! I have so many people to love: Tohru-kun, Ha'ri-san, Aaya-san, and especially you. I just keep trying to be content! If I keep trying, I'll be happy!"

"Momiji," Hatsuharu sighed, attempting to comfort the boy with a light kiss. Seeing the rabbit cry sickened him, and he forced a cheery tone in order to end the conversation. "We can keep trying together. I'll try to stop worrying. I don't think I'm smart enough to overcome my troubles, but I'll try, for you. I don't want to bother you anymore." But he knew the promises were empty. Gazing toward the house, he remembered that his older cousins might be waiting for them. "Come on," He insisted. "We need to get home before Hatori comes looking for us again."

"Oops! You're right!" Momiji's serious expression disappearing, a bright grin spread across his face. "Our food will be so cold! I hope they're not mad! Uh-oh!" Laughing, he took off. "We're going to Disneyland! We're going to Disneyland!"

'And you just keep smiling.' Haru mused, watching the blonde's antics carefully. 'I hope it's a true smile. Because if you hide all your pain, how can I really know what makes you happy? How do I know this isn't all a pretense?'

"Hurry, Haru-kun!" Doubling back, Momiji slipped his tiny arm around the taller boy's waist. "Come on! We're almost there! It smells yummy! I love Tempura!" His voice bubbled with joy. "Hurry!"

Shaking his head, Hatsuharu's chest dropped. 'How can I know what you think of me?'

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #10**

_Guten Abend_- good evening

_Ja_- yes!

_Ich will wissen_- I want to know!

_Was ist das_?- What is it?

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you (I think you know it by now, but I just want to make sure :) )

_Schatz_- sweetheart or another "pet name" like that (just a side note, this is what Gollum calls the ring in the German version of LOTR! he-he!)

_Warum_?- Why?

_Stimmt nicht_- I don't agree!

Next chapter...a date at Tokyo Disneyland!...I wish I could go with them! _Ja bitte_!


	11. Why Didn't I See?

Hallo again! Thank you so much for all your wonderfully nice reviews! I love you guys! OK, so this chapter is about Disneyland! Yay! I've never actually been to Tokyo Disneyland, but I used to go to Disneyland California just about every day when I was a little girl. :) It's like my home. I want to go work at Tokyo Disneyland one summer while I'm in college! Yay! And, just like Momiji, Splash Mountain is my favorite ride! I hope you all have fun reading this!

Oh, and just a plug, I'm writing another story now called 'Quand on se retrouve encore.' It's AyamexRitsu. I know that's an unusual pairing, but I think it's real cute. So, if you like the parts with Aaya in this story, please check it out. Bitte?

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"Come on! Come on, Haru-kun! If we don't hurry, there'll be a long line!" Tugging on his boyfriend's arm, Momiji's eyes flew from side to side. "_Schnell_! _Schnell_! Are you sure you know where we're going?" Pausing, he eyed the taller boy with a suspicious smile.

Haru chuckled, reaching to adjust the "Mickey Ears" that sat perched atop the rabbit's golden tresses. "I'll find it."

"But Haru-kun!" Momiji sighed emphatically. "We have to get on Splash Mountain soon, or it will get too crowded! Are you sure you don't need a map?"

"I'm sure," He replied with a simple tone. "We'll find it." Watching the smaller boy as he danced around in his euphoria, Hatsuharu's heart fluttered. 'He's so cute,' the cow mused, mentally tracing the boy's movements. 'Thank you, Ayame. I'm so glad I could give this to Momiji. He looks so happy today. Even more so than usual.'

"And after Splash Mountain, I want to go on the Haunted Mansion, and Space Mountain, and the Pirates of the Carribean!" Momiji bantered, his voice brightening with every word. "You like roller coasters, right, Haru-kun? I think they're so fun! A boy in my middle school class went here, and he said that Splash Mountain is the best! But, most of all, I want to see Mickey Mouse! I want to meet Minnie, too, but I can't hug her! I can't wait to meet them! This will be so fun!"

Scanning the scenery, Haru groaned when he failed to spot the brown outline of Splash Mountain. "I think we need to turn around, Momiji-kun."

"_Warum_? Are we lost?" Momiji giggled, clasping the white-haired boy's arm. "I told you so! I told you so!" His fingers trailed over Haru's skin, coming to rest as they intertwined with his boyfriend's hand. "It's OK! I'm just happy that I'm here with you!" Skipping, Momiji continued to chat about the day's plans, pulling on the taller boy in his excitement.

His mind entranced by the other boy's touch, Haru at first failed to notice the stares being hurled in his direction. But, as the dizzying rush faded away, the probing glances pierced through the blur. 'I wonder what they're thinking about us?' His stomach dropped, sweat trickling down his back. 'No. I promised Momiji that I'd be better about this. He obviously doesn't care, so why should I?' Regaining his composure, Hatsuharu read the sign in front of him. "Look, Momiji-kun. We're here."

"Wow! Look at that drop! _Es ist sehr hoch_! Doesn't it look exciting?" Dashing toward the queue, the blonde quickly found a place for himself and his companion. "The line isn't too long. We should get on really soon!"

Haru nodded, gazing into the rabbit's hopeful eyes. Patting Momiji's shoulder, he smiled as he noted the blush on his boyfriend's cheeks. "I really hope you have a good time today."

"We'll both have a good time!" Momiji corrected him. "I want you to have fun, too. We can do whatever you want after this!"

Hatsuharu heard a giggle arise from somewhere behind him. "Look at that. Isn't that sweet? He brought his little brother to Disneyland," a woman in the line pointed out. "And he hardly looks like the type that would do something like that! I mean, look at that hair. And those clothes. I guess I shouldn't judge him by the way he looks. He must have a good heart to treat his brother so kindly."

'Little brother?' Haru bit his lip. 'Surely they can't be talking about us. Momiji and I are the same age. He may look a little younger than me, but not that much younger! Why would they think that?' His stomach churning, he kept his attention on Momiji in hopes of blocking the conversation from his mind.

"I know," another woman added. "They're adorable. Especially that little boy! Do you think they're Americans?"

"I think the little kid was speaking German," the first woman continued. "Wherever they're from, that blonde hair is so precious! And those wide eyes! How old do you think he is? 5, maybe 6?"

'5? 6?' Haru's skin flushed. 'I've been kissing a boy that can be mistaken for a kindergartner? And he turns me on, too! Does that mean I like little children? No, surely that's not true!' Reaching his shaky fingers to caress Momiji's back, a tingling sensation surged through his nerves. His heart drove him to continue, fire blazing in his veins as he explored the tender surface. 'I must be a twisted, sick pervert! This isn't normal! It just can't be right!'

"Haru! Look! Look!" Momiji whipped around suddenly, waving his arms in a frenzy. "It's Mickey! Over there! Ooh! Ooh! Can I go see him? Please? Please?"

Attempting to silence his nagging conscience, the cow mustered a natural smile to mask his inner turmoil. "You can go see him, if you want. I'll hold your place in line."

"But Haru-kun," Momiji's eyes softened in concern. "Don't you want to see him too?"

"It's OK," he replied in a generous voice. "You can tell me all about him when you get back."

"OK!" Laughing, Momiji jumped up to hug his white-haired boyfriend. The rabbit did not notice Haru's tense arms, nor did he feel the cow shiver as he returned the embrace. Withdrawing his grip, Momiji offered a carefree grin before hurrying out of the line.

Watching the smaller boy disappear into the crowd, Haru sighed. 'Why was I so blind? I've always known that he is innocent, but I ignored how childish he looks. What is it that attracts me to him?' His head throbbed as he felt the women's eyes on his back. 'Why am I the last one to realize how sick I am?'

The women's laughter sliced through his thoughts. "That was so cute!" One of the women exclaimed. "If only my sons could act like that!"

"Excuse me, sir?" The other woman nudged Haru's arm. "Excuse me?"

Turning around nervously, Haru tried to smile. "Yes?" He pretended that he had not heard their conversation.

"I just wanted to tell you that I think it's wonderful how you treat your little brother." She explained, nodding her head to emphasize the statement. "I think it's really sweet that you're so affectionate in public. Most young men your age would never be so kind to a little kid. He really loves you, you know."

Hatsuharu's heart contracted painfully. 'If only you knew,' he answered silently, dropping his stare to the ground. His secret dreams of Momiji haunted him, and their kisses played over and over in his mind. "Yes, I know," he managed to squeak out.

"Here I am!" Momiji surprised his boyfriend, lunging onto the other boy from behind. "I got to see Mickey!"

"Really?" Haru took a deep breath, forcing his muscles to relax. But he could barely look at the rabbit without feeling confused and guilty. "I'm glad you're back. It looks like we're almost there." He turned away from the women, hoping to expel their comments from his mind, wishing that he could forget everything and have a happy relationship with his boyfriend. "We should be on the ride very soon," his voice lightened slightly.

Momiji's eyes sparkled as he surveyed the loading platform in front of him. "I can't wait! This will be so much fun!"

"Yeah," the taller boy nodded, feeling drastically less enthusiastic than his smaller cousin as the couple inched toward the log-shaped boats. 'What can I do? I can't let him see how upset I am over this. Not today. Not while he looks so happy! He can't help it that he looks like a child. I'm the only one to blame. If I'd controlled my lust, this wouldn't have happened. It seems like every option I'm left with will end up hurting him.'

Climbing into the floating vehicle, Haru slid his hand warily around Momiji's waist and eased him into the other seat. Looking back at the queue, the white-haired boy grimaced at the women's stares. 'Maybe they're the only ones that see Momiji as a child. Other people know that we're the same age! He doesn't really look like a child,' Haru argued internally. 'He can't look like a child. I just can't be that twisted.'

As the boat started to move, the blonde clutched the other boy's knee. "Look! It's a bunny rabbit! And he's singing!" Momiji giggled as they entered a dimly-lit tunnel.

Momiji's caresses elicited pleasurable shivers throughout the cow's body. Trying to banish his unease, Hatsuharu lost control of his arm as it wrapped around the smaller boy's shoulders. In the dark, it seemed so much easier to nuzzle his boyfriend's hair and kiss his cheek, because without light he could not be reminded of the smaller boy's childish appearance. In the dark, he could forget. "Here we go," He whispered into the other boy's ear. Feeling the warmth of Momiji's body soothed his fears for a time.

* * *

"Ooh! Ice cream!" The blonde flounced forward, his feet treading lightly across the concrete path. "I want some!" 

Wiping the sweat from his brow, Haru readjusted a lock of white hair. He opened his wallet, smiling at the smaller Sohma. "Sure. I'm buying. This is a date, after all."

"_Danke_!" He replied, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before turning to place his order. "Do you want anything, Haru?"

The cow shook his head, squinting in the sunlight. "No, just get me a bottle of water."

"OK!" Grinning widely, Momiji addressed the woman behind the metal cart. "Excuse me? I'd like an ice cream sandwich, please?"

She responded in a sweet voice. "OK." Reaching into the ice chest, she extracted a small plastic package. "And your older brother? Does he want anything?" She eyed Hatsuharu from his position behind the smaller boy.

'Not again! Please, don't tell me he looks like a little boy.' Haru bit his lip, unable to meet her gaze. "Oh, uh-," he tried to conceal his shame.

"He's not my big brother!" Momiji erupted in giggles, flashing the taller boy a smile. "He's my boyfriend!"

"Oh!" The vendor's eyes widened as she assessed the couple. "That's, um, nice." She shot Haru an inquisitive glance. "Well, then, what would your boyfriend like?"

Hatsuharu's heart raced, his muscles tensing under her stare. 'She thinks that he looks like a child, too. Why am I the only one who can't see him that way?' His vision blurred. 'At least I hope that I don't see him as a child. Because if I do, I don't know if I can live with myself.' Reaching a trembling hand to Momiji's shoulder, he managed to whisper, "Momiji-kun, I'm not feeling very well. I think I need to sit down."

The rabbit's eyes glittered with concern. "Oh no! Are you OK? _Bist du krank_? Please get feeling better!"

Haru's shoulders slumped as he tried to reassure his cousin. "I'm fine. I just need to rest. Come over when you finish paying." After Momiji acknowledged his request, he hurried to a nearby bench.

'Oh shit,' The white-haired boy groaned internally, slumping over the wooden seat. 'Oh my god. What's wrong with me? I've taken advantage of a little, naive child. And I dismissed my qualms because it felt good to me, and because I thought he was happy. But he won't be happy when he realizes what I've done to him. He can't be happy with someone like me.'

Haru's stomach contorted in pain, and he rested his head between the palms of his hands. The sun sliced into the back of his neck, causing his brain to throb violently. 'Pedophile.' He remembered shamefully. 'Taki called me a pedophile, didn't he? But I ignored him because I was angry and didn't want to believe him. I should've just listened to him. Then none of this would've happened. I wouldn't be stuck in this painful position. Now I can't reject him without hurting him. Now I'm forced to satisfy my own perversion.'

Moaning under the weight of his regrets, Haru sighed. 'The truth is, I can't break up with him because I don't want to. How selfish! Even though I know that I shouldn't be doing this to him, I'm too weak to stop myself. I'm lusting after him, even now. Even though I realize that he looks like a child, I still want him. I'm sick.' His vision swirled with half-formed tears. 'I'm really sick.'

The bench rocked as Momiji took a seat. "Haru-kun?" He whispered in his ear, sliding a meek arm around the other boy's shoulder. "Did something bad happen?" Momiji eased Haru's hands away from his face, handing him the water and searching his eyes for some sort of answer.

Shuddering at the contact, Haru caught Momiji's tiny fingers and moved away from the rabbit's body. The bench squeaked as he hurried to reposition himself. "No. I'm fine." He insisted quietly.

"You don't looks like you're fine!" Momiji argued, ignoring his boyfriend's body language as he scooted closer to him once more. "Please tell me! I don't want you to be sad!" He tried to wrap Haru in an awkward embrace. "You can talk to me."

Haru turned away from the other boy, staring at his reflection on a nearby trash can, studying the disgust that lined his face. "Don't worry about it. It isn't your problem."

"Haru-kun!" Momiji sobbed suddenly, burying his head against the black cloth of his boyfriend's shirt. "I love you more than anyone else in the whole world! If I did something that made you mad, I want to know!"

The white-haired boy's heart melted at the sound of the rabbit's cries, giving him the strength to push some of his doubts aside. 'I can't be like this to him! I can't do anything to hurt him. Even if I know it's wrong and gross for me to want him, maybe I should continue, just for a little longer? I need to keep him happy while I sort out my fears.' He flashed a gentle look. "Really, it's OK. I think the heat just made me dizzy." He wiped the tears away from Momiji's sticky lashes, letting another finger trail down to the blonde's lips. "It wasn't anything to do with you," he lied. "Please don't cry."

"Are you happy that I'm your boyfriend?" Momiji questioned, seeming to have some intuition into the cause of Haru's sudden outburst.

"Of course!" The taller boy hurried to respond. And inside he knew that he was being truthful. Most of him cherished every moment spent with Momiji, but sometimes his other side, the side plagued with guilt and regret, protested too loudly. ' I am happy. And that makes me fear the attraction I have to him. But the fears aren't strong enough to stop me.' Taking a deep breath, he let his lips brush lightly against the other boy's ice cream-coated mouth. Flicking his tongue over the soft surface, he cleaned up the sweet substance, losing himself in the warm caress. "I said 'yes' to you, didn't I?" He reminded the boy, whispering against his lips.

"Hmm," Momiji grinned, a bright blush painting his cheeks.

Pulling backwards in order to watch the rabbit's eyes, Haru reached behind his head and unclasped one of his necklaces. Holding the black chain in his hand, he surveyed the metal cross before draping it around Momiji's neck. "I want you to have this, so you can remember today and all the time we've spent together."

"_Wirklich_? I can keep it?" His face lighting up with joy, the smaller boy held the treasured charm against his heart. "Thank you! _Ich liebe dich_ forever and ever!"

Nodding, Hatsuharu rose to his feet and offered a hand to his companion. "What do you say we find some more roller coasters?"

"Yay!" Momiji shouted, leaping from the bench with rekindled vigor. "Let's go!"

Watching the rabbit's happy smile, Haru shook his head. 'I love him. I know it's true. I love him and I want to be with him. Even if that makes me a freak, or a pedophile, or a rapist, I can't deny how I feel about him. I just don't know what I should do. Why am I so stupid?'

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #11**

_schnell_- fast!

_Warum_?- Why

_Es ist sehr hoch_- It's so high!

_Danke_- Thank you

_Bist du krank?_- Are you ill?

_Wirklich_?- Really?

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you...of course :)

See ya all next chapter!


	12. Why Do You Love Me?

Konnichi wa minna:) Sorry I haven't updated in sooo long! (so long for me is a week! ha ha!) I was doing make-up for the school musical all week and I was hardly ever home. But after much deliberation, chapter 12 is finally here! Oh, just a note on these next two chapters...I really **don't** hate Yuki. He's actually one of my favorite characters. But someone had to bother Haru, right?

* * *

'Ok, he said left on Okinawa Street, then right on Toji,' Haru mused, watching the pavement as it rushed underneath of him. 'Passed the third stoplight and the Takoyaki stand.' Lifting his gaze, he scanned the deserted sidewalk, studying the glass building in front of him. "And the Sohma Office Complex will be on the left." He recited automatically.

"So, is this it, Momiji?" The cow questioned aloud as he assessed the scattering of lit windows, debating whether he should go in and surprise his boyfriend or simply wait outside. 'He's with Tohru. I should probably just wait. I don't want her to suspect anything about us.' He sighed, rocking on the balls of his feet in anticipation. He would not admit it, but he really missed the blonde when they were forced to separate, even if it was for only a few hours.

"Haru?" A voice interrupted the other boy's thought. "What are you doing here?"

The white-haired boy turned slowly, his stomach dropping as he immediately identified the source of the question. "Oh, Yuki?" He stuttered, his face flushing. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"I'm here to walk Miss Honda home," he explained simply, emerging from the shadows. Joining his younger cousin under the building's lit canopy, he looked around with unsure eyes. "I don't want her to be alone at night in this neighborhood."

"Oh," Haru felt a certain awkwardness discussing Yuki's relationship with Tohru. 'I was so jealous of her,' he remembered, 'but now it's different. I was stupid to think that I had a chance with him, anyway.' He sighed inwardly, disliking the direction of Yuki's comments. 'At least he might forget to ask why I'm here.'

Yuki flashed an intuitive stare in the younger boy's direction. "The whole school is talking about you, Haru," he pointed out, changing the other boy's focus.

'Shit!' Haru's heart surged. 'So much for avoiding this issue!' Masking his fear with a cool grin, the cow shrugged. "Well, the whole school talks about you all of the time, so it must be a welcome change."

"I'm talking about you and Momiji," the older boy looked slightly annoyed. "You shouldn't drag that boy down with your bad reputation."

"Bad reputation?" The cow interrogated him with a forceful voice. "What do you mean?"

Yuki bit his lip angrily. He had never heard Haru talk so sternly to him, and it bothered him to sense his loss of control over the younger boy. "Skipping class. Sleeping through tests when you actually go to lessons. Disrespecting teachers," he counted on his fingers to emphasize the numerous problems. "Then, or course, there are your outbursts, and the way you dress and act, and the fact that the whole school is afraid of you. And now everyone is calling you 'gay'," his steely eyes made Haru blush, "and I can't correct them because I know it's true. I don't doubt that you've done something to Momiji."

"I, I," Haru's mask of disinterest faltered under the painful accusations, "I don't know what you mean." Lying, he prayed that his face would not betray him.

"He's not like me, is he, Haru?" The rat disregarded the cow's shallow defense, persisting with his questions. "He doesn't understand what you want when you start touching him. He doesn't know that he can pull away."

'It's, it just isn't like that,' he tried to silence his doubts, but Yuki's words had confirmed what he had feared all along. 'What have I done to Momiji?' Tears stung at the back of his eyes. Unable to respond to his cousin, he turned to the door instead.

At that moment, however, an elevator opened and Momiji appeared in the lobby. Trailing him slightly, Tohru beamed as she listened to his jovial conversation. Suddenly, Momiji stopped, catching a glimpse of his boyfriend through the windows. His lips spread into a broad grin, and he went dashing toward the door.

"I see," Yuki watched the dramatic scene, staring at the white-haired boy. "So that's why you're here."

"I didn't want him walking home alone," Hatsuharu found the strength to defend himself once more. "It isn't safe in this neighborhood at night," he reminded the rat, repeating his explanation.

However, Haru did not have a chance to see Yuki's reaction, because Momiji interrupted the conversation with a squeal. "Haru-kun, you came!" The rabbit lunged at his taller cousin, wrapping his arms around the other's slender waist.

"Yeah," the cow attempted to smile, his gaze darting to the steely-haired boy. 'Oh God, Momiji. Don't try anything. Not in front of Yuki,' he silently begged, reaching a shaky hand to pat his boyfriend's blonde tresses. "I didn't want you walking home alone."

"_Ich liebe dich_!" Forgetting himself in his glee, Momiji leaped up and planted a sloppy kiss on Hatsuharu's cheek. He pulled back immediately, his face flushing. "Oops," the rabbit's eyes met Yuki's prodding stare. "I'm sorry, Haru." He apologized quietly.

Yuki opened his mouth to respond, but at that time Tohru joined him. Dropping the accusatory tone from his voice, the older boy gave a polite smile. "Good evening, Momiji." He turned to his female companion. "Hello, Miss Honda. How was work today?"

"Oh, it was great!" She nodded enthusiastically. "Momiji really helped me, so I was able to finish early." Tohru's face glowed as she surveyed the other couple. "It's really nice that both you and Hatsuharu-san came to meet us."

Yuki's eyes softened, obvious affection for the girl playing on his face. "You know it isn't a problem for me to come here." Avoiding the other two boys, he headed for the sidewalk. "We really need to get home, Miss Honda. We still have to finish our science project."

"Ok, Sohma-kun!" She obeyed with a sweet smile. "Bye, Momiji-kun! Bye, Hatsuharu-san! I'll see you tomorrow at school."

"_Tschüss_! _Bis später_!" The rabbit waved.

"See you later, Tohru," Haru gave an acknowledging nod, waiting as the rat escorted the brown-haired girl down the street. Watching them disappear around the corner, the cow squeezed the other boy's shoulder. "It's OK, Momiji. He already knows."

The blonde caressed the white-haired boy's arm, watching his boyfriend with teary eyes. "I'm so sorry, Haru-kun!" He leaned his head against Hatsuharu's chest. "How are you? Are you still scared of what he thinks?" Drawing circles across the cow's back, be continued, "I hope you aren't sad."

"It's not a big deal," Haru shrugged, trying, once more, to show only indifference. But inside, his blood churned. 'It really _is_ true. Do I like Momiji just because he's innocent and easy to manipulate? Please, no! It can't be like that. I just can't use him like that.'

Seeing through Haru's emotional disguise, Momiji's eyes narrowed in concern. "Are you sure you're OK?" Stepping up on a nearby planter, Momiji leaned forward and pecked his shaky lips against his boyfriend's mouth. "Please smile," he begged as he pulled away.

Haru felt torn as he studied the blonde's features. He wanted to return the kiss, and knew he should, but Yuki's accusations distracted him as they pounded into his memory. Feeling sick to his stomach, the cow could not stop the question from pouring from his mouth. "Momiji-kun, why do you like me?"

Jumping down from the wooden planter in his shock, Momiji gaped at his boyfriend. "Why would you need to ask me that? You know that I love you, right?"

"I'm just, well, I'm nervous," the taller boy chose his words carefully. "You don't let me kiss you so I'll be happy, do you?"

"_Nein_!" Momiji protested firmly. "I mean, I want us both to be happy. But I kiss you because I want to! I want to show you that I love you! That's what boyfriends do to each other, right? I hope I'm not wrong," he bit his lip sheepishly. "If you don't like it, I can stop."

"No, it's fine," Haru looked away, confusion ravaging his brain.

"Haru-kun," Momiji's voice dropped, his tone becoming very serious as he reached for the taller boy's hand. "It's really hard to explain why I love you, but I know that one reason is because you always care about me and make me happy when I feel sad. I like to play with you and be with you more than anyone else in the world. When I see you, I am so happy because I know that you love me, too! And I don't care what Yuki, or Taki, or Honda, or anyone else thinks. I'm just happy that I have you!"

The white-haired boy smiled sincerely, leaning down to kiss his smaller boyfriend. 'Why do I keep doubting his feelings?' Haru thought in assessment as his lips intertwined with Momiji's mouth. 'I love him, and he seems honest about his love for me as well. I must be really insecure.' Enjoying the contact with the rabbit, Hatsuharu lavished in the delightful tingles crawling up his spine.

Flicking his tongue out of his mouth, the cow parted the smaller boy's lips. As Haru tasted Momiji, he heard his boyfriend give a muffled moan of surprise and tightened his embrace around the blonde's body. 'Is it possible that I love him for who he is? Not the way he looks. Not his innocence. But perhaps I love him for how he makes me feel inside, that warm happiness I experience whenever he touches me,' the white-haired boy reasoned as he played with the other boy's shy tongue. 'Maybe I have nothing to be ashamed of.'

As the couple parted, Momiji's cheeks burned. "Haru-kun," he stammered, his body trembling with joy. "I, I," he stuttered. At a loss for words, the blonde melted against the taller boy's chest. His heart pounded as he worked to regain his composure. "I think we better get going. _Mutti_ and _Vati_ should be coming out soon, and if _Mutti_ sees me, _Vati _might get mad at me."

"Yeah," Hatsuharu responded in a quiet voice, nodding his head. "You're right." Rising to his full height, he took the rabbit's hand and started down the empty street.

Momiji let a nervous giggle escape his lips. "Can we continue, um," he blushed, "what we were doing, you know, when we get home?"

Haru grinned, watching the streetlights play on the smaller boy's features. 'He looks so beautiful. I'm very lucky to have him. Why do I have to second-guess this relationship when I could be enjoying his company? I really shouldn't. We're both happy. That's what matters.' He traced his fingers over the back of his boyfriend's hand. "Of course we can continue."

"Yay!" Momiji's cheer echoed off of the tall buildings. "I can't wait!"

"Momiji?" The other boy cut him off, his voice low by contrast.

"_Ja_?"

"I, I, well, I think I worry so much because I hate myself. I've hated myself my whole life, and it's hard for me to understand how someone could love me. That's why I can't trust my feelings. It's my fault, not yours," he tried to explain his turmoil. "But I'll try to be better, for you. I want to be a good boyfriend. But I'm always afraid of hurting you."

Momiji flashed a teary smile. "_Danke_, Haru-kun. But you are a good boyfriend! Please, please don't hate yourself! I think you are the best person I've ever met!"

"I know," he replied simply. "thanks."

* * *

"You first, Miss Honda," Yuki held open the door to Shigure's house, gesturing for the girl to enter into the lit hallway. However, hearing a loud voice ringing inside the room, he nearly ran back outside in his frustration. 

"Oh, you wouldn't believe how incredibly cute they are together, Gure-kun!" Ayame chuckled flamboyantly. "They're just like me and my dearest Ha'ri. They're positively inseparable! And to think, I was the one that brought them together. That is the best part! And I bought them tickets to have a little date at Disneyland last week! How I would have loved to see that!"

"Oh my God!" The rat groaned, refusing to reveal his presence to his older brother as he hid against the nearby wall. "Why does he always have to talk about himself? No one wants to hear about his relationship with Hatori! I'm not in the mood to deal with this!"

Tohru gave him a sympathetic smile. "Could you at least go talk to him?" Seeing the distaste in his eyes, she hurried to reclaim her request. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have suggested that! I won't tell him you're here." Reassuring the steely-haired boy, she pushed through the doorway and waved to the snake. "Hello, Ayame-san!"

"Oh, good evening, my lovely Tohru-kun!" Leaping to his feet, the silver-haired man kissed her hand. "I was just telling Gure-kun about the budding little romance between Hatsuharu and Momiji. Surely you've heard?"

"Momiji told me tonight," she answered sweetly. Her eyes darting around the room, she remembered that Momiji had made her promise not to let Yuki find out, and quickly changed the subject. "Would you like anything to eat or drink? I could go make you some tea, if you would like."

"Tea sounds delightful!" The snake exclaimed, watching as Tohru bustled out of the room and into the kitchen. He turned back to his cousin. "So anyway, Shigure," he bubbled like a teenage girl with a very juicy piece of gossip. "You have to see them! They can't keep their hands off of each other. They are always sitting in front of the television, tangled in a passionate embrace, their faces flushed with the lust of young lovers. " He waved his arms around in a dramatic gesture, gathering all of the dog's attention. "And do you know that they are actually sharing a bed now? Haru doesn't seem to waste any time! "

"It sounds like you have your own personal porn show at your house!" Shigure snickered. "Maybe I can try to get Yuki and Kyo in bed together. I'd love to watch that!"

"That's disgusting!" Yuki cut him off, thundering through the door. His face burned with anger. "Both of you are perverts! So this is your doing, Aaya Nii-san? You got those two together? I can't believe you!"

"I know, I am quite unbelievable, aren't I, little brother?" Ayame ignored his anger, taking Yuki's words as a compliment. "But that's just part of my charm, I suppose!"

The rat glared at the snake. "Are they really having sex?"

"Oh yes!" Bursting with glee as he received some attention from his younger brother, the silver-haired man rose to his feet, sweeping his arms from side to side. "They do it every night! That's how I found out about their romantic fling! I walked in on them a few weeks ago, and saw them in bed together, clutching each other with undying desire! Of course, I immediately gave Haru my counsel and helped him along. It's simply beautiful!"

"So it's true," Yuki grimaced, "it's all true."

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #12**

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you (do I even need to say that?)

_Tschüss_- bye! (actually, it is spelled with a letter unique to German that means 'ss', but I can't figure out how to make it on the computer!)

_Bis später_- see you later!

_Nein-_ no

_Mutti_- mom

_Vati_- dad

_Ja_- yes

_Danke_- thanks

see ya next chapter!


	13. You Don't Deserve

Sorry, I have to apolygize for my lateness in updating, once again. I had anEuropean History AP exam last week. Blah! Just a warning, these next few chapters are definitely going to fulfill or excede the "T" rating. I would change it to "M" if those stories could also show up on the main Fruits Basket page. But, no! So, I hope the language etc. doesn't offend my loyal readers:) Oh, a note on my made-up character names. Honda and Taki weren't completely chosen at random! They are like my two least favorite characters from other animes: Taki is the ASK guy that rapes Shuichi in Gravitation, and Honda is Tristan's original japanese name from Yu-Gi-Oh. (I just think Tristan is boring. I hope I don't offend any fans!) The rest of the names are just randomly my own, though.

Read and review, please! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

"No, no," Momiji's distressed voice beckoned to Hatsuharu as he traveled toward a familiar cluster of lockers. "No, of course not!"

Scanning the two boys in front of him, Haru felt a surge of both frustration and embarrassment. 'Yuki couldn't just leave this alone, could he? He just doesn't trust me. Is he that disgusted by me?'

As the rat mumbled something inaudible, Momiji's face lit up with a blush. "No, we've never done _that_! _Nein_! _Nein_!"

"Are you _sure_?" Yuki persisted loudly, "not even-," his voice fell to a whisper. "He didn't make you-?"

"_Nein_!" He giggled nervously in response, pushing a lock of sweaty blonde hair from his face. "Why, why are you talking about this, Yuki-san?"

"You know he wants to," Haru heard Yuki insist, causing his heart to drop as he listened to the halted conversation. "He may not do it, but I'm sure he thinks about it."

"Well," the rabbit paused, dropping his gaze to the floor. "Sometimes I, well, I might think about doing _that_ sometimes, too."

Haru's mouth dropped, his head throbbing with incredulous surprise. 'He thinks about that, too? No. Momiji is too innocent. He couldn't possibly-.'

Yuki sounded shocked as well, and he took a deep breath in an attempt to regain his composure. "Momiji-kun, doesn't it bother you? This isn't normal. I'm worried about you. You know that you don't have to say 'yes' to him."

"_Stimmt_!" Momiji smiled with revived cheer. "Of course I don't have to! Haru always tells me so!" He recounted Hatsuharu's many inquiries. "He always tells me to only do what makes me happy! But I want to be his boyfriend. I love him, just like you love Tohru-kun!"

"I, I," Yuki argued weakly, anguished by the comparison between the boys' relationship and his own crush. "Just be careful," he finished with a false smile.

Momiji nodded emphatically, his eyes drifting toward a lone figure sulking nearby. "_Hallo_ Haru! I didn't know you were here!" Scuttling toward his white-haired boyfriend in an excited flurry, the blonde wrapped his arms around the other boy's waist. "Don't you have to go to detention?"

"Oh, hello, Haru," the steely-haired boy adopted a false air of politeness. "What a surprise." His violet eyes surveyed his two companions' embrace, then scanning the hall in obvious embarrassment.

Hatsuharu tried to brush away Yuki's presence, ignoring him as he turned to address his boyfriend. "I can't stay long. I just wanted to know where we can meet after my detention. I thought maybe we could go to the park and get ice cream, if you want to."

"Really? _Ich mag Eis_! I can't wait!" Momiji giggled, snuggling against the taller boy's chest. "And then we can go to the park, and play together, and swing on the swings!" He met the cow's gaze with adoring eyes. "I have cooking club now, so maybe we can meet on the stairs outside the gym after I am done. OK?"

"Sounds good to me," disregarding Yuki's horrified stare, Haru bent down and planted a light kiss on Momiji's cheek. "I'll be thinking about seeing you the whole time that the teacher is lecturing me."

The older boy's face blanched in disgust at Haru's flirtatious actions. He quickly checked the area to see if anybody else was watching the spectacle. "You're shameless," Yuki muttered, rolling his eyes. Swiftly rebuilding his soft façade, he cut into the couple's conversation. "I really must get going. I have some work to do in the student council room. I'll see you tomorrow," he hurried to leave.

"_Tschüß_, Yuki-san!" Breaking away from the white-haired boy, Momiji waved. "Remember, don't worry about what you asked me! I know what I'm doing!" He beamed reassuringly.

Yuki nodded before shooting Haru an icy stare. "Sure," he sounded doubtful, "good-bye."

Haru examined the rat's retreating form, feeling a wave of shame flood through his body as Yuki's disgust burned into his memory. It really hurt knowing that his older cousin could not accept him, and, even though his feelings for Yuki had retreated, he still did not like to be rejected.

"It's OK," Momiji squeezed Haru's arm, instinctively trying to comfort his boyfriend. "It's OK." Tracing his fingers over the cow's flesh, he offered a sweet smile. "I have to go now. I'll see you later, OK?"

Haru felt his uneasiness dissolve as he studied the rabbit's happy face. "Yeah, I'll see you later."

* * *

"_The birds and the bees sing 'Momiji'. The frogs in the pond are calling, 'Momiji, yes, it's true_," the rabbit sang, skipping across the basketball court with a bright smile on his face. "_Momiji, yes, it's true_!"

Approaching the gym doors, he burst outside in a rush of sunlight. Clutching a bag in his hand, he laughed impatiently, "I really hope that Haru-kun likes these cookies! I can't wait to give them to him!"

"Ugh," a voice moaned from behind a nearby bush, "how fuckin' obnoxious." A tall figure emerged in a puff of smoke, meeting Momiji with narrow eyes. "Get lost."

The German boy identified the student instantly. Ichiru. An upperclassman with a frightening reputation for violence and gang activity, among other things. "Oh, hello, Ichiru-san," Momiji's squeaked out in spite of his racing heart. "_Es tut mir leid_. Was my singing bothering you?"

"Who are you, kid?" Ichiru eyed him, smirking at the rabbit's clothing, "and why are you wearing your sister's uniform?"

Momiji failed to see that he'd been insulted. "Oh, my sister doesn't go to this school!" He laughed a little too loudly. "And she's way too small to wear my clothes!" Any fear he had held for the other boy soon melted away, and it was replaced with his usual social ease. Momiji was a friendly person. He trusted everybody. "I'm Sohma Momiji, by the way," the blonde offered a respectful bow.

The taller boy did not return the courtesy. Instead, he turned back to his former hiding place. "Hey, Taki!" He called in the direction of the bush. "Sohma Momiji? Is that the one?"

The plant shook in a shower of falling leaves. "Yeah," the rabbit's classmate approached, a marijuana cigarette hanging from his lips. "That's the fag. His boyfriend should be around here, too, I guess."

Honda followed close behind his friend, watching the exchange with blank eyes. "Hey, brat! Where's Haru?"

"I, I," Momiji stammered, knowing that his cousin would be arriving shortly. He prayed that the boys would leave before that happened. He didn't want another fight, because he couldn't stand to see the cow turn "black" once again. "I'm not sure."

"Haru's real fun to mess with," Taki explained to Ichiru. He swung his leg over the stair railing, flashing the older student a boisterous grin. "He's a real bitch when he gets mad. He thinks he's so cool, strutting around like he's tough. But we all know he's a fairy! You'd laugh if you saw him!"

"Whatever," Ichiru shrugged, boredom creeping over his face as he leaned against the concrete wall. Extracting a lighter and a plastic bag from his pocket, the boy lit another joint and stuck it between his teeth.

Honda gave Taki a frustrated look, questions brimming in his eyes. "Uh, Ichiru-san? He's a queer," he pointed to the shivering blonde, snickering to emphasize his point. "Don't you wanna do something to him, or something? You know, screw him over like you did Tano last year?"

"Oh, yeah!" Taki sounded desperate to keep the older boy's attention. "I heard it was great. I'm so sorry I missed it, maybe you could reenact it for me?"

"Tano was a pompous bastard," Ichiru reminded them casually, looking back to Momiji. He watched the smaller boy as he shifted from side to side, smirking as the blonde sniffled and coughed. "He's just an irritating kid. He's too small."

Momiji heaved a sigh of relief. His hands sweated as they tightened around his sack, and his pulse echoed in his numbing head. "Thanks," he offered the student a shy smile.

"Sure," Ichiru turned around, shuffling toward the street with a flat expression on his face.

"Ichiru?" Honda called in a crushed tone. "About your group, well-."

"I don't usually take first years," Ichiru sneered, knitting his fingers in his black tresses. "You're giving me a headache. Go back to your junior high gang, or something."

Taki bit his lip, flashing Momiji a venomous glare. "You stupid fucker!" He vented, slamming the boy against the metal railing in his rage, "look what you did!"

Tears welled in the small boy's eyes as he fought to regain control of his words. "I'm really sorry he didn't let you in the gang!" He squeaked, attempting a soft laugh, "but maybe it's better! If you join a gang, you might get hurt, and that would be really sad!"

"So, are you still getting laid by your cousin?" Honda's voice stung Momiji's thoughts, his smirk casting ominous shadows through the air. "Do you like it, little whore?"

"Oh no, we don't-," the blonde objected for the second time that day. "We share a bed, but that's all. We've never-." His blonde almost froze as he watched Taki stumble forward. Momiji nearly choked as the other boy drew dangerously closer to him. "I, I, Taki, what are you doing?"

The larger boy draped his arm around Momiji's shoulder, a sneer playing on his features as he flicked ashes all over the blonde's white blouse. "Do you want me, Momiji?" His speech slurred. "I bet I fuck better than your loser cousin!"

"No," Momiji's body tensed, a flush painting his cheeks. He was completely flustered. "Please don't!"

"Look at that!" Honda teased. "I think he likes you!"

"Fag!" Taki spat, taking the smoldering paper from his mouth and jabbing it against Momiji's arms. He delighted in watching the Sohma boy flinch and cry. "Be a man!"

The bag slipped from the rabbit's trembling fingers and crashed to the ground. Struggling to reclaim it, Momiji sank to his knees in resignation, rubbing his singed flesh. "Please don't! I just want to be your friend," he pleaded. "Please stop!"

"What the hell are you doing to him?" An angry voice interrupted the exchange. "Leave! Now!"

Honda laughed, giving the smaller Sohma another shove. "Oh, look, your lover came to rescue you! How sweet!" His voice sounded sickening as he taunted the couple.

Grabbing at Honda's throat, Haru smashed the boy's head against the stairs. His eyes burned with hatred, but inside, he loathed himself more than anyone else. 'Oh my God! Not again! They've hurt Momiji again, and it's all because of me. He doesn't deserve this!' Snatching a fistful of his classmate's hair, he forced Honda to meet his gaze. "You couldn't just leave him alone, could you?" He crushed the shuddering boy against the ground, cracking his face and causing blood to pour from his nose. "You're not so strong now, are you?"

"Haru-kun, please stop it! You're hurting him!" Scrambling toward the tussling students, Momiji reached a nervous hand to help Honda. "Please don't do this! Listen, Haru! I love you! You don't need to do this for me! It's OK! He's in pain. You need to stop!"

"Get off of him, queer!" Taki approached Hatsuharu from behind, aiming a punch at the white-haired boy's back. "We all know what a pussy you really are! You molest your own cousin!"

Haru caught Taki's fist, twisting his arm painfully before throwing him against the rail. "Who the fuck are you to criticize what I do? I'm not the one who's shaking with fear," he pointed out sternly, watching the sweat pool on the other boy's brow. Giving a strong kick, "Black" knocked the breath from his classmate's body. "What, are you afraid I'll kill you? Are you afraid I'll hurt you, just like you hurt my boyfriend?"

"No, Haru-kun," rising to his feet, Momiji gave the white-haired boy's arm a coaxing tug. Sobs wracked his body as he met Taki's terrified stare. Sympathy swelling in his chest, he rushed to gather his belongings. "Stop hurting them. Let's just go. OK, Haru? _Bitte_?"

Hatsuharu's black side jerked away from his boyfriend's touch. Casting a fiery look at the two boys, he stalked down the path and away from the school building. The dark cloud receding from his veins, the white-haired boy gasped shakily. 'They hurt him. They hurt him because he's dating me. It's all because of me!'

"Haru-kun!" Momiji hurried to follow the taller boy, his voice shattering with distress. "Haru-kun, please come back!" He grabbed his boyfriend's arm. "I think we need to go help Honda. He just keeps bleeding, and I'm really scared!"

"He hurt you," the cow stopped, answering in an empty tone as he traced his finger over Momiji's burn. "They both hurt you. They deserved it."

"No, Haru!" The blonde argued almost hysterically. "You didn't deserve to do that! You're too good to act like them, to fight like they do!" His eyes watered. "You're too good a person to make someone cry without even caring!"

"I'm not a good person, and I don't deserve you," Haru bit his lip, starting down the street once more. "I only cause you trouble. Just stop loving me."

"I, I," Momiji stuttered, wringing his fingers around the crumbled bad. "I can't do that, Haru. And I wouldn't want to, either. It isn't your fault that they make fun of me." Sighing, the rabbit watched the cement rush under his purple shoes. Forcing a smile, he tried to change the subject. "I made cookies in club today! They're your favorites! Sugar!" He mustered a sunny tone. "I hope they didn't get broken, though! But I'm sure they'll taste the same, right?"

"Oh, thanks," the taller boy quickened his pace, trying to avoid his boyfriend, 'We shouldn't even be walking together. This is only bringing him trouble! I made him cry. I'm not worth that.' His head drumming, he focused his attention on the road in front of him.

"Um, Haru?" The blonde paused, scanning his surroundings. He gestured hopefully to the left. "The park is that way."

Silence. Ignoring his boyfriend, the cow continued to pace at a steady rate.

Momiji sounded heartbroken, his voice cracking. "Haru?"

'This is for the best. He needs to stop loving me. This is wrong. He's getting hurt, and it's my fault. I can't keep him in this relationship.' Tears bit at Haru's lashes. "We need to go home," he ordered his voice to remain unemotional.

Stopping, Momiji's fingers tore nervously at his paper package. Taking a breath, he suppressed a wrenching sob. "OK."

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #13**

_Nein_- no

_Stimmt_- I agree!

_Ich mag Eis_- I love ice cream

_Tchüß_- bye!(or Tschüss. Special thanksto littlefreeze for teaching me how to show the'ss' on the computer:) )

_Es tut mir leid_- I'm sorry

_Bitte_- please

next chapter...something special...he-he. Remember I promised a make-out scene? But it will be bittersweet, I'm sorry to say. This is angst genre, after all!


	14. Hating Myself

OK everybody, this chapter is a little edgy and might deserve a M rating (but I'm not sure, so we'll just pretend it can stay T.) I hope this doesn't bother anyone:) I know that Momiji is a little OOC, but remember, he doing everything on Ayame's advice because he's desperate for Haru's attention! Well, I hope you all enjoy this! Read and review, please please? (I'm almost at 100 reviews! Yay!)

Just a note to my reviewers (I think King Harold was the one who asked.) Shuichi does get gang raped on the orders of Taki from ASK. (He wants to sell pictures of the rape and ruin Shuichi's reputation. What a jerk!) It happened in the third manga and also on the second disk of the anime I think. Yuki was very distraught. :( I probably shouldn't be giving this all away, though!

* * *

"Oh, Haru, Momiji! I wasn't expecting you to arrive so early!" Ayame threw open his arms in a fluid motion, offering the boys a shining smile as they passed through the kitchen. "My dear Hatori is with Akito right now, but if you'd like, I could entertain you with a passionate tale of our romance!"

"No thanks," the cow muttered, his voice sounding hollow as he moved forward.

The snake's eyes widened in exaggerated concern. "Oh my! Are you crying, little cow?" Shooting Momiji a questioning stare, he caught sight of the redness in the blonde's eyes, as well. "Oh poor sweet bunny-kuns! Please don't tell me that you boys broke up! That would be positively dreadful!" He wrapped the rabbit in a tight embrace. "Whatever the problem, I know I can solve it for you! Just ask me to do it, and I'll weave some of my magic!"

Momiji watched as Haru disappeared down the hallway and into his bedroom. Instantly, the small boy crumbled, "Aaya, it was terrible! These boys at school were making fun of me, but I really didn't care that much! Then Haru came, and he turned black and hurt them really badly!" Trembling, Momiji slid numb fingers into his blouse and clutched a familiar metal necklace. "He thinks that we shouldn't be together because people laugh at me! But I love him! I'm really happy with him now! I don't want this to end!"

Ayame'e eyes widened, distraught at seeing the usually sunny blonde looking so wounded. The snake forced a positive shift in topics. "Oh, but Momiji-kun, he saved you! He risked his life to protect you in a dreamy display of chivalry! Can't you see it?" He matched his romanticized story with motions, pulling the smaller boy closer to him in a crushing embrace. "That proves he loves you!"

"I guess you're right," Momiji attempted a smile. "It's just that sometimes he seems so happy! But other times he acts like he doesn't want to be my boyfriend! I just don't understand!"

"Dearest bunny-kuns," the silver-haired man ruffled Momiji's blonde tresses, meeting his younger cousin's gaze. "I know a way to make your little boyfriend very _very_ happy!" He flashed a mischievous grin. "You know that I specialize in igniting passion in strained relationships, of course. I'll make it so Haru-kun could never think of leaving you!"

The rabbit replied hopefully. "_Wirklich_?"

"Oh, yes!" The green-eyed Sohma danced with delight. "Just come with me, my sweet Momiji-kun! Quickly! Quickly!" Snatching the blonde's hand, Ayame led him into Hatori's bedroom, locking the door behind them.

* * *

'Oh, shit!' Haru's fingers tore through his disheveled locks, trying vainly to silence the throbbing in his head. 'What do I do now? Everything's falling apart, and I don't know how to save Momiji anymore.' Slumping across his bed, he buried his head in a starchy pillow, attempting to block out the memories forever. 'Being here, I just can't stop thinking about that night I let him kiss me. If I'd only said 'no', things would be so much easier right now.'

Feeling anger bite at his heart, he tossed the pillow against the wall. 'But I'm weak! Stupid and weak! I can't control myself!'

"Haru-kun?" A soft knock rattled at his door, the familiar voice soothing the self-loathing within Haru's body. Momiji. Once again, he wanted to be near him, even if he knew it was wrong. Haru was weak. "Haru-kun, can I come in?"

The cow cleared his throat, attempting to mask some of his pain. "Yes," he answered remorsefully.

As the white-haired boy watched the door creep open, he nearly fainted with shock. At the threshold of his room Momiji stood, clad in only a lacy neglige nightgown, with a flustered look in his eyes.

"Haru-kun," Momiji whispered, blushing even more deeply as the white straps slid precariously from his shoulders. Taking a deep breath, the rabbit recited in an awkward voice, "I want you. Please take me."

As Momiji drew closer to him, Hatsuharu's heart seemed to explode in a waterfall of pent-up emotions. The sheer white fabric left nothing to the imagination, and the cow's eyes examined his boyfriend's body involuntarily. "Momiji-kun," his conscience protested weakly, "we can't. I-."

Dismaying at the larger boy's resistence, the blonde wracked his brain for a bit of Ayame's advice. "Oh, Haru," he forced his lips into an uneasy pout, "don't you love me?"

"I, well," sweat pouring down his neck and collecting at the base of his spine, Haru reached instinctively to comfort his cousin. As his fingers met the rabbit's skin, however, they trembled with desire, breaking any vows of control as they explored the boy's back and chest.

"Hmm," closing his eyes, Momiji sighed, growing a bit more relaxed as he reviewed Ayame's instructions in his mind.

Answering the other boy's joyful expression, Hatsuharu eased his boyfriend onto the bed. 'I shouldn't. I can't!' His thought screamed, but, as he focused on Momiji's soft lips, he banished his doubts.

Their mouths clashed together hungrily, and Haru wasted no time as he nipped and sucked at the other boy's lips. Dissolving into the feeling, a dam of suppressed desires seemed to break loose and flood the white-haired boy's body. "Momiji," he moaned before plunging into the smaller boy's mouth.

Collapsing into the mattress, the blonde's face heated up with both embarrassment and desire. As the felt the larger boy's tongue caressing the corners of his mouth, he wordlessly permitted his companion to climb on top of him. "_Bitte_. _Bitte_," he gasped.

Haru's gaze blurred, his lips running over Momiji's flesh. Ears. Neck. Chest. He lost any sense of what he was kissing as his heart rushed with dizzying adrenaline. One hand tangling in the other boy's golden hair, Hatsuharu's free fingers snaked up the sheer neglige with deft ease. His hips grinding against the other's in lustful fury, he groaned as he found the evidence of Momiji's attraction.

Suddenly, the cow froze. Meeting the other boy's desperate eyes, reality hit him in a rush. "Why are you doing this Momiji? This isn't like you at all."

"Because, because," trying to catch his breath, the rabbit stammered. What would Ayame tell him to say? "Because you're sexy and you turn me on," stumbling over the new words, his tone sounded more nervous than suggestive.

"I can't do this to you," struggling to pull away, Haru dashed to the other side of the room. Looking to the floor because he knew he could not chance another glance in Momiji's direction, he tried to muster some self control. "I'm sorry," he choked out regretfully.

"But Ayame said this would make you happy!" Shattering his seductive façade, the smaller boy cried. "He promised that he knew how to make you love me again." Tearing at the silver cross around his neck with shaky fingers, Momiji hid his face. "I just wanted you to be happy!"

This was all that Haru could bear to hear. Giving Momiji once last sad stare, he ran from the room, his chest heaving with confusion.

"Haru-kun? Please come back!" Haru pushed his fingers in his ears to block out the rabbit's sobs. "_Bitte_! _Bitte_! _Es tut mir leid_! Please come back! _Ich liebe dich!_"

Surprising him from behind, silky arms captured the white-haired boy in a hug. "Dear Haru, just calm down!" Ayame tried to persuade him. "Your poor lover is crying for you! You can't just leave him!"

"You!" Whirling around, Haru stared with accusing eyes. "Just stay out of this!" A flood of black leaked into his blood like venom, and he longed for some way to bring pain to the larger man. He wanted to punish him. "I don't have to listen to you! You aren't _my_ brother, and you certainly can't use me to replace him!"

Forcing away from his older cousin, Haru slammed the door behind him and collapsed on the outdoor steps. Consequences. Everything he did hurt someone. He was walking a tightrope between right and wrong, paying for every step he took. 'I always hurt him! I always fail!' Everything was a mistake.

He was a mistake. '_The grave's a fine and quiet place, but none, I think, do there embrace_. I wrote him that note so long ago, back when I had the opportunity to protect him from harm. Why couldn't I understand the poem then? If I were to disappear right now, all this pain and lust would die with me. If only I could vanish!' Welcoming the numbing waves of sleep, he relaxed into darkness, dreaming that he would never wake again.

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #14**

_Wirklich_- really?

_Bitte_- please

_Es tut mir leid_- I'm sorry

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you

Only two more chapters and the prologue left to write!


	15. Stolen Moments

Well, eveyone, please don't hate me! I know this chapter is really sad, but bear with me, because I promise a happy ending for Haru and Momiji :) I promise! Wow, first of all, I've hit and surpassed 100 reviews! Thank you so much everybody! I never thought this story would be so popular! Ich liebe dich!

Just a note on Akito. **Yes, I know about Akito's secret that would make parts of this chapter quite impossible!** But since this hasn't been revealed yet in the English manga and never made it to the anime, I just disregarded it for this chapter. I had to, I had this whole thing planned from the beginning. If you don't know **about Akito** then just don't worry about it. (My personal opinion is that Akito's gender should've never been messed with anyways!

Please enjoy this chapter! (As much as is possible ;; )

* * *

"Ugh," Haru shifted uneasily, the stone stairs cutting into his back. A gust of chilly air ruffled his white tresses, causing him to bury his face further into his shirt collar. 'Oh shit, did I sleep outside?' Opening his groggy eyes, he scanned the canopy of stars overhead, watching them as they glittered between the clay rooftops and well-groomed trees. 'I wonder if Momiji is still upset?'

Rising to his feet, the cow stretched his stiff shoulders before pacing toward a nearby pond. 'I hope he understands why we can't be together. I don't want him to cry anymore!' Sinking onto a mossy stone, he stared at the garden unseeingly. 'I just can't bear to see him hurting.'

He reached into his pocket, extracting a familiar piece of paper. As he unfolded the note, tears started to brim in his eyes. 'You were so happy the day that you wrote this,' he examined the scattering of sloppy hearts and animals that splashed over the page. 'And I thought that I could make you even happier. But I failed. I always fail. I wanted to be your boyfriend, but if I'd known how badly everyone would treat you for it, I would have ripped up this message and thrown it away'

He crumbled the drawing in his fist. "I wish none of this would've happened!"

"You wish what wouldn't have happened?" A sickeningly-sweet voice questioned from behind the white-haired boy.

Haru whirled around, identifying the shadowy figure instantly. "Akito!"

"What are you doing out so late, cow?" The family head's eyes glittered with suspicion. "I hope you didn't get lost again."

"No, I-," the younger boy looked away, taking a deep breath. "I just needed some time alone."

Akito sneered intuitively. "You're nervous about something, aren't you, Hatsuharu? Are you afraid of me?" His laugh was cold and heartless. "Are you hiding something?"

"No!" Haru demanded in frustration.

"What is that paper in your hand?" He reached clawlike fingers to Haru's wrist, his lucid skin paling in the moonlight.

"It's nothing," keeping his voice firm, the white-haired boy saw the note crunch regretfully between his fingers. He discarded it in a nearby bust. "It's just trash."

Watching it fall, Akito's eyes flashed. "You can't hide anything from me, cow. Show me some respect!" His voice rose bitterly as he gave the younger boy a scathing sneer. "Shouldn't you be getting home?"

Obeying reluctantly, Haru cast one last glace toward the fallen drawing. 'Oh God, don't let him look at it!' He bowed in an insincere apology. "I'm sorry." As he turned to leave, his heart thundered, a sickening cloud of dread creeping through his veins.

Almost immediately, Akito reached greedy hands toward the letter. Opening the paper, his eyes lit up venomously. "I see."

* * *

"Momiji," Hatori's voice sounded strained as he entered the silent kitchen. Looking first to Hatsuharu, and then to his smaller companion, the seahorse tried to steady his breath. "Akito wants to see you." 

The cow dropped his bowl of rice, sending it clattering across the floor. "Fuck!" Anger tore at his chest, frustration evoked not by his spilled breakfast but by his impending fear. 'He saw the note! Oh God, how could I be so stupid? I shouldn't have just left it there. I could've ran, or fought him, or even shredded it. But I was too weak! Now Momiji will have to face him in my place.' Jumping to his feet, Haru rushed to meet the doctor. "He can't go! Tell Akito I'll come talk to him, instead."

Hatori brought a warning hand to the white-haired boy's shoulder. "Haru, you know I can't do that."

"_Komm schon_! It's OK, Haru-kun," joining his boyfriend, the rabbit grazed a shy finger down Hatsuharu's arm. "I'll go!" Mustering a reassuring smile, the blonde attempted a cheery tone. "I haven't seen Akito for a really long time, so he must want to find out how school's going, or something! It will be fun to get to talk to him again!"

"I, I," Haru could not find the willpower to tell him of his mistakes or about his encounter with the family leader the night before. "I hope you're right."

"_Keine Sorge_, Haru-kun! _Alle ist schön_!" Unsure if he should try to kiss the other boy after the prior day's encounter, he offered a nervous wave instead. "_Bis später_! I'll come back as soon as I'm done, and then maybe we can go to the movies or to lunch, OK? I really want to talk to you about some things."

Haru looked away. "OK," he whispered. 'This is all my fault Momiji. Please don't let him hurt you,' he prayed silently as he worked to clean up the scattered rice grains.

Following the black-haired seahorse from the room, Momiji started to feel jittery. "Did he say why he wanted to see me? I really hope I didn't make him mad!" Tugging at his lacy sleeves, the rabbit became even more chatty in his edginess. "I really haven't seen him for a long time, so I'm happy that he invited me to his room. I need to thank him for letting me go to school with Tohru-kun and all my other friends!"

Ignoring the idle commentary, Hatori paused before an ornate shoji screen. "Akito-san," he began politely, "I've brought him to you."

The screen slid open, revealing a pale figure with piercing eyes. "Hello, Momiji-kun," Akito's smile was frigid and demanding. "I hope you don't mind spending some time with me today."

Dropping to his knees, Momiji flashed an apprehensive grin. "Of course not, Akito-san!" He hurried to assure his superior. "I don't have school today, so I have plenty of free time!"

"Good," the god smirked at the blonde's enthusiasm. "Come in."

Hatori gave Momiji a nudge, though he scanned Akito's face warily. "Go on." As he retreated, he felt foreboding dread rush through his veins. "I'll see you later, Momiji-kun."

Momiji turned back to wave before letting his frail cousin lead him into the room. "It's really nice to talk to you, Akito-san. Thank you for inviting me!"

As Akito slid the screen closed, he sneered. "Don't lie, rabbit. I can tell that you're afraid of me." Narrowing his eyes, he sank down on a silk cushion. "Wouldn't you rather be with the stupid cow?"

Momiji's stomach clenched as he fell into a deep bow once more. "What, what do you mean, Akito-san?"

Leaning forward, the family head let his icy fingers dance through Momiji's hair. "Come closer, rabbit." He eased Momiji nearer to him, not stopping until their faces were only inches apart. "Let me tell you a secret. I know everything about you. No matter how hard you try, you can't hide anything from me."

Wincing, the smaller boy forced a giggle. "Haru is my best friend, and I love to spend time with him! But I like to talk to you, too!"

Akito shoved the blonde across the wooden floor in his rage. "You're in love with him! You asked him to be your boyfriend!" Approaching the trembling boy, the black-haired man leaned over him hungrily. "And you think that he loves you, too."

Sliding a bony hand into his kimono, the Sohma god produced a familiar pink note. "You wrote this, didn't you, Momiji?" He thrust the drawing into the rabbit's face.

"How did you-?" Momiji stuttered, trying to catch his breath.

"He threw it away! He told me it was trash!" Snickering, Akito relished in the hurt that stung at Momiji's eyes. "You've known all along that he couldn't love you. How could anyone possibly want someone like you? Your own mother called you a monster!" Wrapping Momiji in a choking embrace, his voice grew silky. "I'm the only one who cares about you."

Momiji grimaced at the icy touch. "Thank you for caring about me, Akito-san, but Haru loves me, too." He forced away his doubts, disregarding each painful memory of his boyfriend's rejection. "We love each other!"

"Did he ever tell you that?" Snatching the blonde's tresses, he wrenched Momiji's head to meet his gaze. He laughed heartlessly, delighting in the tears that leaked from the rabbit's eyes.

"No, but," Momiji bit his lip, dropping his voice to a whisper. "But I just know he does."

Akito slapped him. "Fool! You live for me! I give you life, and I decide when you are happy and when you are in love! You deserve only what I give to you!"

The rabbit reached to soothe his stinging cheek, but flinched as the older man caught his wrists and pinned him to the floor. "Please stop, Akito-san! I'm sorry for going behind your back!" He sobbed, "I'm so so sorry!"

"You've dishonored me!" Akito accused as he tore at the small Sohma's pink blouse. Hovering over the other body, he sneered monstrously. "I only hope that Hatsuharu's left you with something to repay me." Smashing the blonde's lips in a bruising kiss, Momiji's shivers urged him forward.

"_Halt bitte_!" The blonde screamed, fighting to free his body. "Please! Please don't hurt me! I don't want to do this with you! I love Haru! I-."

"Shut up!" The family head closed his hands around Momiji's throat. "Don't ever say that again, or I will kill you. You belong to me! This whole family is mine! I give you life, and I can just as easily take it away."

Staring dazedly at the ceiling, the rabbit's pleas choked through his tears. "Please, please don't," he whimpered as his clothes fell from his shoulders. "Akito-san, no." He squeaked, his stomach churning. "NO!"

Momiji closed his eyes, pretending that he was somewhere else. Somewhere far away, with Haru. Somewhere where they could both be happy. He clutched as his drawing in desperation as pain overrode his senses. "I'm sorry, Haru. Please don't hate me."

* * *

Hatori groaned, his head throbbing with the sickening thuds and screams that drifted from the other room. He longed to stop Akito, but he feared showing any disloyalty to the family leader. "I just can't take this," he hissed under his breath. "Momiji is like a son to me. He just doesn't deserve to be treated this way." 

Suddenly, there was silence. "He must be finished," the seahorse reasoned aloud, rising to his feet and hurrying to Akito's door. "Akito-san, may I come in?"

Without receiving a response, the doctor pushed forward. "Akito-san?" His eyes flew around the elaborate bedroom, his stomach dropping as he noted the rumbled cushions and fallen pieces of furniture that signified a struggle.

"You can take him away now, Hatori," Akito emerged from the corner, straightening his kimono and showing signs of neither remorse nor embarrassment. "I'm finished with him."

Following the Sohma god with his eyes, Hatori winced, catching a glimpse of the blonde boy before quickly averting his gaze.

"Here," Akito kicked Momiji, sending his unconscious body across the floor. "Take him."

Hatori's heart clenched as he studied the rabbit. His clothes, splashed with fresh blood, hung in tatters on his body, and his face, streaked with tears, appeared tormented even in sleep. Grimacing in his regret, the doctor leaned forward and scooped up the smaller boy. "I'm so sorry, Momiji," he whispered. Glaring wordlessly at Akito, he tried to mask his anger as he fled the room.

"Hatori?" Akito ordered as he saw the frustration on the older man's face. "Hatori, come back here! Where's your respect?"

The seahorse ignored him, smoothing a comforting finger over Momiji's cheek as he ventured into the hallway.

"Hatori?" Akito sounded desperate, even terrified. "Hatori! Hatori! Come back here! Why aren't you listening to me? Don't ignore me!"

The doctor burst out the door of the main house, quickening his pace as the gardens rushed passed him. The morning sun juxtaposed the shivering boy in his arms almost mockingly, causing Hatori to squint and hold the boy even closer to his chest.

Momiji tensed in his sleep. "No, _nein_! Akito-san, stop touching me!" He shook in his oblivious state. "Help me, Haru! Help!"

"Momiji?" Haru dashed from Hatori's house, interrupting the blonde's sleepy sobs. Paling as he noted his boyfriend's limp and disheveled figure, he bit back a cry. "What happened, Ha'ri-san?" He ripped at the seahorse's arm in his panic, longing to hold the German boy once again. "Momiji? Momiji?"

"Calm down, Hatsuharu," Hatori commanded his voice to stay level. "Everything's OK. He just needs some rest."

'He's not OK! He looks hurt!' The cow argued internally. 'Oh Momiji, this was all my fault! Everything's my fault! Please wake up! Please smile! It kills me to see you like this!' Looking away, he struggled to catch his breath. "Hatori, please tell me the truth," his voice cracked under the stress.

"Hatsuharu," placing his hand on the other boy's arm, he tried to navigate his white-haired cousin inside while still holding Momiji. "Haru-kun, your boyfriend was raped."

* * *

**Momiji's German lesson #15 :)**

_Komm schon_- Come on, or come on already!

_Keine Sorge_- don't worry!

_Alle ist schön_- everything's fine!

_Bis später_- See you later

_Halt bitte_- please stop

_Nein- no_

So, what will happen to our poor lovers? (God, that sounds cheesy!) You'll find out soon in the final chapter (minus the prologue!) I hope you don't hate me by now for torturing these two guys. (I love them, I really do! I promise!)


	16. Recollecting Broken Pieces

Wow guys, I never thought I would make it so soon, but here we are. The last chapter! I really hope everyone has enjoyed this story so far! Thank you for all the wonderful sparkly (Ryuichi word!) reviews! I love you all:)

Oh, I feel like a complete dork! Last chapter, I said I was going to write a prologue. (as in a chapter set before the story lol!) but what I really meant was that I'm writing an **epilogue**! ha ha ha! Yep, well, I finished it, too, so I'm posting this all at the same time. (No prologue, though, sorry!) Enjoy the final chapter of "Into Ashes All My Lust"!

* * *

'Raped. Raped,' Haru buried his head between his palms, numbed by the distorted images that ran through his mind. Momiji was crying, begging for some sort of mercy, cowering under Akito's shadow. 'I would give anything, even my life, to reclaim those moments and give Momiji back his life. Anything!' But he knew he could do nothing. It was all over. 

Scratching his fingers through white hair, the cow moaned. 'If only I had rejected him! I knew that the relationship was wrong, and I had so many opportunities to end it. Now Momiji must suffer as punishment for my own stupidity and selfishness. I can never save him again!'

He rose to his feet and started to pace around the room, grimacing under the aura of painful memories. His eyes scanned the tumult of clothing and rumpled bed sheets, remnants of Momiji attracting his gaze. A pink "Hello Kitty" journal. A little yellow shoe. The scandalous neglige from the night before. 'Why did I let this happen to you? Your life was so much better before I came into it; your smile always shone so much brighter then. I loved you for the happiness that you radiated, but now I've stolen the very treasure that drew me to you. Will you ever be that happy again?'

Sunlight trickled across the floor, eliciting hatred from within Hatsuharu. "How can you keep shining?" Running to the window, he slammed the curtains closed. "How can anything glitter like that when Momiji feels dark inside? He deserves to be happy more than anyone else in the world, but he isn't! He deserves it more than Yuki, and Akito, and especially me, so why does he have to cry? How can people go on with their lives without caring that he's hurt! It's not fair!"

Screaming, he kicked the rabbit's dairy across the floor, causing the pages to ruffle open. As he leaned over the familiar script, tears brimmed in his eyes. "_I can't believe that Haru kissed me,_" the cow read. "_This is too good to be true! I've loved him forever and ever, and now, finally, I found someone who loves me back! Ich liebe ihn! Ich liebe ihn! Auf Ewigskeit!_"

Haru's heart exploded. "Fuck!" He threw the journal against the wall, watching in satisfaction as it left a dent. Tears streaming down his face, he gasped for air. "It's all a lie, Momiji! If I'd really loved you, I wouldn't have let this happen! I can't make you happy! I'm too stupid! I just ruined your life!" Black flooded his stare, igniting sparks of anger in his blood. "Your life would've been so much better if I hadn't been born!"

Sinking to his knees, the white-haired boy's thoughts became a meaningless blur. He felt his body being torn apart, his nerves ravaged with torment as he pictured Momiji's torture in his subconscious. 'It should've been me. It was my fault, not his.' He moaned, his shoulders slumping into a withered heap. 'I wish it had been me.'

A rapping at the bedroom door awakened his senses. "Dear Hatsuharu, may I talk to you?" The cow heard Ayame ask from the other side of the wall. Although his voice was just as flamboyant as usual, it sounded different: solemn, empty, and strained. "Little Haru-kun?"

'What's he doing here? I told him to stay out of my life!' Rage bit at Haru's heart, though he rose reluctantly to answer the knock. "What do you want?"

"Oh, Haru," surveying the cow's bloodshot eyes and icy expression, the silver-haired man winced. "You poor, poor thing! I feel so sorry for you!" He attempted to wrap his cousin in an embrace. "It's OK, you can cry."

"Stop touching me!" The younger boy spat, tearing away from the other man. "If you have something to say, do it quickly while I still have the patience."

The snake looked strangely serious. "Momiji's awake, and he keeps asking for you. Won't you go to him, sweet Hatsuharu? Won't you go comfort him and protect him?" As he continued, he regained some of his vivacity.

"I can't protect him! I've never protected him," the younger boy insisted as he resumed pacing. "Everything I've done has messed up his life! I preyed on his innocence, using him to please myself. I could've broke it off with him, and I knew even then that it was the right thing to do, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I watched people tease him and hurt him because of me, but I wouldn't break up with him because deep down I had my own interests in mind. I can never take back all the times he cried because of my selfishness!"

"No, Haru-kun, I'm afraid that you're wrong," Ayame sighed emphatically, sinking down onto the bed. "I know that your intentions were good, but he couldn't understand why you were being so coy. He believed that you didn't wish to be with him! I don't think he ever realized that you were acting that way out of love."

Haru did not want to hear his comments. "How do you know?" He sounded stubbornly childish in his interrogation. "I was trying to help him. I wanted to make him happy!"

"Oh, I know, I know," Ayame reached for his younger cousin with gentle fingers. "You thought it was for the best that you leave him. But he was really happy when you treated him like your boyfriend. He came to me yesterday and shared his fears about losing you. That's why I dressed him up and tried to revive your broken romance!" The snake offered a smile, not exaggerated or garish, but soft. "I was hoping that you'd realize how much you both need each other."

The silver-haired man waved his arms emphatically. "While your intentions were obviously noble, you only brought distress to both you and your boyfriend." He silenced his cousin's protests, raising his voice to overcome any opposition. "You should have seen that it doesn't matter if other people approve of your love. The only feelings worth anything in a relationship are the feelings you and Momiji have for each other!"

"I, I," Haru staggered, biting his lip in agony. He could not believe what he was hearing, and he prayed that the other man's words were not true. 'No, I _was_ helping him! Everything was best when I distanced myself from him. I was trying to make things better!' Though somewhere, in his mind, he realized that he was wrong. He cringed as the past month's events flashed before his eyes, for the first time noting his own stony words and the pain they brought to Momiji's face. 'I kept rejecting him, and he didn't know why. Shit! He must think that I hate him! My God, how could I be so stupid?'

The cow sank to the floor. "I, I really did want to do the right thing," he persisted, studying the panels of wood beneath him. "I was trying! I was! But, but," he slumped his heavy head onto his chest, "but he thought that I had stopped loving him, right?" He dreaded the reply.

"I'm afraid so, my dear cousin," the snake met him with comforting arms. "I know that you wanted to make him feel better, and you did make him happy. But when you kept rejecting him, he felt certain that he was losing you because of mistakes he made. You really must come to realize that how other people feel about your relationship isn't something you can control! It isn't your fault!" He sighed, throwing his hand to his forehead dramatically. "You're his boyfriend. It's your job to love him, to offer him solace, not to shield him from outside problems! He never cared much about what other people thought of him, anyway."

Listening attentively, Haru felt the lead weight in his chest dissolve. 'It wasn't my fault? But how? This happened to him because I loved him, right? So I did it! Or, did they do it to us both?' However, as the cow's internal guilt dissipated, a new dread seized his thoughts. 'But I hurt him without even realizing it! I hurt him by rejecting him and questioning my reasons for loving him. Why couldn't I just accept my feelings? Why did I hide everything! I can't believe myself!' As heat swelled in his head, he collapsed against the other man. "I made a horrible mistake! And now it's too late to fix it. He'll never be happy now! He's been hurt too badly to smile again!"

Smoothing his long fingers over Haru's back, Ayame exhaled. "I wouldn't say that! I was afraid that you might never realize your folly, and that you would hide your true feelings for the rest of your life. Of course, I understood what was happening immediately, seeing as I have much experience in dealing with these dilemmas," he chuckled, albeit half-heartedly. "Remember when we wrote Momiji that love note the day you visited my shop?"

"Yes," Haru gave an apprehensive response.

"Yes, of course you do," Ayame managed to sound almost cheerful. "Well, we really chose a lovely poem to send to your little bunny, but I don't think you really understood the words." He nodded to emphasize his point. "The author wrote the poem to state that life is too short to be cautious and hide your emotions in an attempt to be noble. He warned that if people wait too long to show love they'll only lose their chance to be loved in return!"

"Which is what I did, right?" The cow groaned at the irony of the situation.

"I certainly hope not!" The silver-haired man's voice grew instantly brighter. "It isn't too late! My expert opinion feels that the flames of passion are still alight in both of your hearts! I suggest you go talk to him about what happened if you wish for this relationship to continue!"

Haru found the strength to smile, amused by the persistence of Ayame's pride even in spite of the grave situation. "Thank you, Aaya-niisan."

At these affectionate words, the older man's eyes glittered. "I'm always willing to bless you with my help, _mon frére super_!" Rising to his feet in a graceful motion, he flashed a dazzling grin. "But now it's time for you to go visit your boyfriend! We must bring his cute little giggle back, right?"

Haru nodded, reaching for the door. "Yes, I really need to tell him how sorry I feel. I have to-," his eyes darkened with depression, "I have to make up for all my mistakes."

As he stepped into the hall, however, Haru was shocked to see another figure rushing to meet him. "Momiji?"

"Haru-kun?" A weak voice cried as the boy limped forward, hurrying to wrap his arms around the cow's waist. "Haru-kun, I-."

Welcoming the touch, Haru buried the other boy protectively in his arms. "I'm so sorry, Momiji-kun," his voice splintered as he collapsed around the smaller Sohma. "I've hurt you so badly, I-."

"Little Bunny-kuns, you really shouldn't be out of bed," Ayame placed a concerned hand on the blonde's shoulder. "We were just coming to see you! Does Hatori know that you're up?"

"Hatori's with," the rabbit crumbled, losing his voice to the stress. "He's with A, a, ki," he shuddered convulsively as he fought to gain control of his words. His face etched with fear at the very mention of the family leader's name. "Ha'ri-san's with _him_."

Pulling back slightly from his boyfriend, Hatsuharu was met by two sunken eyes lined with premature sadness and loss. He saw Momiji's ghostly cheeks, streaked with tears, quiver with uncertainty under his stare, and noticed how the boy's lips contorted into a fake smile. He looked so fragile, like a withering leaf preparing for its final descent. "Why the hell did this happen to you?" His stomach dropping at the terrible sight, Haru swept deft fingers through the blonde's tresses. "And after I was so mean to you. I never meant to reject you, I was just trying to help, I promise. But I didn't. I'm so sorry for all the trouble I caused!"

"It's OK, Haru-kun," Momiji silenced him with a shaky kiss. "I know, it's OK." Giving some reassurance, he grinned weakly. "I'm happy now. I feel safe because you're here with me! I was so afraid that I might never see you again." Leaning his head against the taller boy's shoulder, he allowed himself to cry. "I'm just so thankful to be with you!"

For a moment, Haru paused, letting silence encircle their clinging bodies as he transferred warmth to his boyfriend. Sobs rattling against his chest, he let comforting fingers crawl up Momiji's spine. Biting his lip, the cow finally revived his voice. "Momiji, I, well, I never told you this, and I'm sorry I waited so long, but," his words trickled away. "But, well," he stumbled to produce the foreign words, "_Ich liebe dich_."

Looking up with chocolate eyes, Momiji's face exploded with a sincere smile. "I know, Haru-kun," he reached tiny hands to caress the cow's face. "I know."

_Die Ende_

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**Momiji's German lesson #16 (with a little French thrown in for good measure!)**

_Ich liebe ihn_- I love him

_Auf Ewigskeit_- forever

_Mon frére super_- my super brother! (this is a response to Haru calling Ayame "niisan", a japanese affectionate expression for older brother.)

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you

_Die Ende_- the end sniff

Notice the list of German is short this time. I just can't see Momiji using German when he's depressed, that all. :) So, did you guys like it? I hope you enjoyed it!


	17. Epilogue

Hallo everyone! I guess this is the last time I can plague you with my pointless thoughts on this story, at least! he he! So, let's talk about my future plans...dramatic music...lol! I'm planning to focus on my story "Quand On Se Retrouve Encore" at this point, which is an AyamexRitsufic in some ways similar to this one. I'm graduating next week, so I'm not sure how much time I'll have for writing until after that. I also hope to write something for Gravitation in the near future, maybe RyuichixK pairing. :) I'm not going to completely rule out another MomijixHaru story, though, just because I love thispairing so much and it's sad to let this story go. What do you guys think?So, until next time, tschüß!

* * *

"Haru-kun! Haru! _Schnell_! _Schnell_!" Rushing into the cool lake, Momiji delighted as the water splashed and sprayed around his feet. "It's so fun, Haru! Come on!"

Offering a slight smile, the cow replied with false enthusiasm. "Um, well, it looks like fun, but I don't really like to swim." He jumped in surprised as the rabbit grabbed his arm and tugged him toward the shore. "But I could try." Wanting to satisfy his boyfriend, he slid off his leather boots and stepped warily onto the bank. "Or I could just stay here and watch you."

"Well, OK," Momiji giggled playfully, rolling up his shorts as he waded into deeper water. "But you don't know what you're missing!"

Smoothing his fingers over the ground, the white-haired boy took a seat. 'It's only been a week since, well, since Akito's attack. Watching him laugh and play, the rape seems like a distant nightmare.' At the sight of the sun sparkling on the rabbit's blonde tresses, Haru's heart warmed. 'He's been recovering so quickly since Ayame and Hatori brought us to the lake retreat. I know he is still hurting, and I suppose he will continue to cry with me at night for many more months as he battles with the horrific memories. But slowly, I can see, he's overcoming the pain. He's so strong!'

Suddenly, an impact on the cow's chest jolted him from his daydreams. "Haru-kun, what are you thinking about?" Momiji bounced on top of him, knocking him against a nearby tree trunk. "You look like you're falling asleep!"

"I was just thinking," Haru shrugged, letting his arms drape comfortably around the smaller boy.

A hint of red creeping across his cheeks, Momiji relaxed against the larger body. "_Ich liebe dich_," the rabbit whispered into the white-haired boy's ear. "I'm so happy that we're here together! You've helped me so much!"

Catching the blonde's face in his hands, Haru's thumb caressed the other boy's lips. "I'm just glad to see you smiling again." Replacing his finger with his mouth, the cow enjoyed the melting sensation of the kiss. His chest tingled as he focused on the softness of their contact, reveling in the taste of Momiji's tongue next to his own. 'This is how things should be,' his touch danced through the rabbit's hair, adoration swelling in his heart. 'Finally, finally this feels right.'

As Momiji pulled backwards to catch his breath, he suddenly looked flustered. His gaze focused somewhere behind his boyfriend. "Oh, _hallo_ Yuki-kun!" A nervous giggle escaped his lips.

Whipping around, Haru blushed under his older cousin's stare. He shifted slightly, easing Momiji from his lap. "Hey," he mumbled, unsure of how to respond to the steely-haired Sohma. "When did you get here?"

Yuki gave a polite grin. "Hello. Shigure decided to bring us here for the weekend. I hope you don't mind." He waited for his cousins' reassuring nods before continuing. "Miss Honda is almost finished making lunch, so she sent me to find you."

"Yay! _Essen_!" Leaping to his feet, Momiji dashed toward the path, urging Hatsuharu to follow. "Come on, Haru-kun! _Komm mit_!"

As Haru studied the smaller boy's energetic movements, a warm smile crept across his face. Ignoring the rat, he started back toward the house. "I'm coming."

From behind the cow, Yuki called out to him. "Haru," his voice sounded delicate in the breezy air. "Shigure talked to Akito before we came here," quickening his pace, the steely-haired boy fell in step with his younger cousin. "He convinced him to allow your relationship with Momiji to continue."

Sublime joy swelling in his chest, Haru sighed. "That's a relief. I couldn't stand to see that bastard Akito do anything to hurt Momiji again. I might have to kill him if it happened a second time!"

Yuki's gaze jumped to the spirited boy in front of them. "He's doing so well," he gestured to Momiji. "I'm surprised how quickly he's recovered."

"Momiji doesn't like people to notice his unhappiness," the cow replied in a grave voice. "But he is getting better. Slowly, I can see him returning to his old self."

Bringing a fond hand to the white-haired boy's shoulder, Yuki gave a squeeze. "You're helping him feel better. I can see it in the way he looks at you. I'm," he looked away, dropping his arm to his side as he tried to gather his words. "I'm really glad that you guys are happy together."

Haru's eyes widened in surprised, before softening with appreciation for his cousin's acceptance. "Thank you, Yuki." Studying his feet, he smirked. "Now we just have to work on this thing between you and Tohru."

"Uh," the rat stuttered with nervousness. "I don't think-."

"Come on you guys!" Momiji surprised them both by lunging toward his boyfriend. "You're being so slow! I want to go see Tohru-kun!"

Meeting the smaller boy's gaze, Hatsuharu flashed a loving smile. "OK, OK." He gave Yuki one more thankful look before focusing all of his attention on the path ahead of them. 'Momiji, I,' his hand reached for the rabbit's, their fingers instantly intertwining in a caring gesture. 'I love you.'

* * *

**Momiji's 17th and final German lesson**

_Schnell_- faster!

_Ich liebe dich_- I love you (I hope you all remember this for the rest of your lives after reading this story. My friend Amaya-san even drew a picture of Momiji saying this in memory of this story in my yearbook.)

_Hallo_- hello

_Essen_- food!

_Komm mit_!- Come with me. (lol, this is also the name of my German textbook!)

Well everyone, Tschüß from Momiji, and Haru, and especially from me! Thank you for reading and reviewing this story. :)


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